Monday, 3 August 2020

Pet spider

Emelia: I have a pet.
Nanny: Do you? What kind?
Emelia: A pet spider. 
Nanny: Oh, what's your spider's name?
Emelia: Go Away Please

Monday, 3 February 2020

Cold sore

Mom: Eva, can you get me the coleslaw out of the fridge, please? 

Eva: It's weird that it has the same name as that gross thing you get on your lips.

Mom: Eva, that's a cold sore, not coleslaw.

Eva: Dad, you're gonna put that on Kidlarious aren't you?

Dad: Yep. 

Monday, 23 December 2019

Adopted

Emelia: All grown ups start off as children.
Me: Do they? 
Emelia: And before that, they're babies in their mommy's tummy. 
Me: Wow, so you were in your mommy's tummy? 
Emelia: I was adopted. 
Me: Whoa, that's news to me! 

Saturday, 14 December 2019

Slippy the reindeer

Listening to Xmas songs. Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer comes on.

Wend: Emelia, do you know the names of all the reindeer? 

Emelia: Yeah, "Slippy". 

Wend: There's no reindeer named "Slippy"! 

Chlamydia

Eva: This chicken is still a bit pink inside. Does that mean I'll get chlamydia?

Tom: What? I think you mean salmonella.

Eva: Oh ya. But can chickens get chlamydia? 

Saturday, 16 November 2019

Hair

Me: Emelia, you know how it takes so long to wash and brush your long hair? Wouldn't it be better if we just shaved it all off?

Emelia: No way. If you shaved my hair, I'd be sad for 200 million years.

Saturday, 7 September 2019

Rocket

Emelia: Look at the rocket.
Eva: It's not a rocket. It's an airplane.
Emelia: Then why's it going to the moon?

School trouble

Emelia: Hope you don't get in trouble at skool. I ever don't.

Giraffe fur

At the homeware store with Emelia (5 years old)

Me: Oh, that's a nice rug, what do you think it's made from?
Emelia: Giraffe fur.
Me: Um, I think it's sheep skin.

Monday, 15 July 2019

Belly aching

My niece Leighton: I've got a headache.
My sister in law: And where's your headache?
Leighton: In my belly.

Sunday, 1 July 2018

Granddad killed Jesus

We're walking past a cemetery.

Me: Emelia, do you know what these stones are for?  They are where people who've died are buried.
Nanny: A lot of them mention Jesus.
Emelia: Yeah, my granddad killed Jesus.
Me: Hmmm, I'm not sure that's true.

So sore you'll die

Emelia: Look I've got a blister. Nanny is getting me a plaster.
Me: Oh no, will a plaster help?
Emelia: Yes, because if you don't have a plaster, it will get sorer and sorer and then you could die.

Saturday, 23 June 2018

Mormous dinosaur

Me: Emelia, did you see a dinosaur at the museum?
Emelia: Yes, it was mormous.
Me: That big eh?

Saturday, 12 May 2018

Tom: I'm coughing a bit. I might have turbulosis.
Dad: Uh, it's tuberculosis.

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

Cool name

Tom proudly announced at dinner that when he's older, he wants to change his name to Anakin, because it sounds cooler.

Tuesday, 3 April 2018

Sheep Vaseline

Tom: Look, here's a picture of me pretending to kiss a sheep.
Mom: Oh yes.
Tom: I wish I'd had Vaseline.
Dad: You were kissing a sheep and you wanted Vaseline?
Tom: Yeah, my lips were so dry.
Dad: ***laughs out loud***
Tom: What?

Sunday, 18 March 2018

Taxi

Tom: I think I want to be a taxidermatologist.
Dad: You mean a taxidermist.

Thursday, 15 February 2018

Curdle

*Watching Olympic curling*

Tom: Is the thing they throw called the "curdle"?
Dad: Uh, no.

Friday, 19 January 2018

You're hot

Tom: Your body is pretty warm isn't it?
Dad: Yes, it's about 37 degrees.
Tom: That's pretty hot. But the sun's hotter.

Sparkly

Eva: When I grow up, I want to be a cleaner.
Mom: You never want to clean your own bedroom, why would you want to clean other people's homes?
Eva: I want them to be sparkly.