Iran Bru

Tom: Emelia, the news is terrible. America is talking about bombing Iran!

Emelia: Wait, isn't Iran a fizzy drink? 

Tom: Uh no, it's a country.

Emelia: Oh, nevermind. I'm thinking of Irn Bru. 

Bird peas

Me: So we talked about some animals that we eat being mammals earlier. What about other things that we eat. Like peas, what are they?

Emelia: Birds?

Me: No. Peas are not birds. They're plants.

Pet spider

Emelia: I have a pet.

Nanny: Do you? What kind?

Emelia: A pet spider. 

Nanny: Oh, what's your spider's name?

Emelia: Go Away Please

Cold sore

Mom: Eva, can you get me the coleslaw out of the fridge, please? 

Eva: It's weird that it has the same name as that gross thing you get on your lips.

Mom: Eva, that's a cold sore, not coleslaw.

Eva: Dad, you're gonna put that on Kidlarious aren't you?

Dad: Yep. 

Adopted

Emelia: All grown ups start off as children.

Me: Do they? 

Emelia: And before that, they're babies in their mommy's tummy. 

Me: Wow, so you were in your mommy's tummy? 

Emelia: I was adopted. 

Me: Whoa, that's news to me! 

Slippy the reindeer

Listening to Xmas songs. Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer comes on.

Wend: Emelia, do you know the names of all the reindeer? 

Emelia: Yeah, "Slippy". 

Wend: There's no reindeer named "Slippy"! 

Chlamydia

Eva: This chicken is still a bit pink inside. Does that mean I'll get chlamydia?

Tom: What? I think you mean salmonella.

Eva: Oh ya. But can chickens get chlamydia? 

Hair

Me: Emelia, you know how it takes so long to wash and brush your long hair? Wouldn't it be better if we just shaved it all off?

Emelia: No way. If you shaved my hair, I'd be sad for 200 million years.

Rocket

Emelia: Look at the rocket.
Eva: It's not a rocket. It's an airplane.
Emelia: Then why's it going to the moon?

School trouble

Emelia: Hope you don't get in trouble at skool. I ever don't.

Giraffe fur

At the homeware store with Emelia (5 years old)

Me: Oh, that's a nice rug, what do you think it's made from?
Emelia: Giraffe fur.
Me: Um, I think it's sheep skin.

Belly aching

My niece Leighton: I've got a headache.
My sister in law: And where's your headache?
Leighton: In my belly.

Granddad killed Jesus

We're walking past a cemetery.

Me: Emelia, do you know what these stones are for?  They are where people who've died are buried.
Nanny: A lot of them mention Jesus.
Emelia: Yeah, my granddad killed Jesus.
Me: Hmmm, I'm not sure that's true.

So sore you'll die

Emelia: Look I've got a blister. Nanny is getting me a plaster.
Me: Oh no, will a plaster help?
Emelia: Yes, because if you don't have a plaster, it will get sorer and sorer and then you could die.

Mormous dinosaur

Me: Emelia, did you see a dinosaur at the museum?
Emelia: Yes, it was mormous.
Me: That big eh?

Tom: I'm coughing a bit. I might have turbulosis.
Dad: Uh, it's tuberculosis.

Cool name

Tom proudly announced at dinner that when he's older, he wants to change his name to Anakin, because it sounds cooler.

Sheep Vaseline

Tom: Look, here's a picture of me pretending to kiss a sheep.
Mom: Oh yes.
Tom: I wish I'd had Vaseline.
Dad: You were kissing a sheep and you wanted Vaseline?
Tom: Yeah, my lips were so dry.
Dad: ***laughs out loud***
Tom: What?

Taxi

Tom: I think I want to be a taxidermatologist.
Dad: You mean a taxidermist.

Curdle

*Watching Olympic curling*

Tom: Is the thing they throw called the "curdle"?
Dad: Uh, no.