Who ya gonna call? Sperm busters

Tom walks into the room wearing a peculiar key chain.

Dad: Tom, what's on your belt?
Tom: Oh, it's a key chain that Zac gave me. It's a ghost that glows in the dark.
Dad: It doesn't look like a ghost to me. It looks like a giant sperm!
Tom: No, its a ghost. What's a sperm anyway?
Dad: Male reproductive cells. And it's definitely a sperm.
Tom: Mom, Zac gave me this, it's a ghost isn't it?
Mom: Well.... I did get it for Zac from a reproductive health booth at work. So it's not a ghost.
Dad: Bwahahaha haha.
Tom: *Rips it off his belt* I can't believe Zac gave this to me.
Eva: I'll have it.

Where's my willy?

Eva: Look Dad, it's one of those books where you have to find Willy.
Dad: It's Wally, Eva.

Surprises lead to heart attacks

Tom: How did Elvis Presley die?
Dad: He had a heart attack... on the toilet.
Tom: You can't have a heart attack on the toilet.
Dad: You can have a heart attack anywhere.
Tom: But there's no one to surprise you when you're on the toilet?
Dad: You don't get heart attacks from being surprised. You get them because your heart fails.

Dark magic

Tom: Dad, I learned a card trick off the Internet. Can I try it on you?
Dad: Oh God, do I have to?
Tom: Pick a card, don't show it to me.
*I pick 9 of clubs*
Tom: Now put it back in the deck. And cut the deck.
*Tom pulls out the 10 of diamonds*
Tom: Is this your card?
Dad: No. Definitely not.
Tom: Oh. You must have done that wrong.
Dad: No, YOU did that wrong. Great trick.