Sunday 8 December 2013

Saturday 30 November 2013

Disco Jesus

Boney M Christmas music is playing on the music channel

Dad: Oh look Eva, that song was released in 1978. What else happened in 1978.
Eva: Jesus was born!
Dad: No! I was born!

Wednesday 20 November 2013

Get outta my dreams

Dad: You kids are taking way too long to get ready in the morning.  You need to get out of bed when I ask you.
Eva: But what if I'm having a nice dream and want to keep it?

Friday 1 November 2013

Water fight

It's cold and rainy.

Eva:  Dad, can I go outside and use my water balloons.
Dad: No.

Sunday 22 September 2013

Christian pirate

Eva is reading me a book about pirates and shipwrecks.

Eva: And pirate Sam Beard attacked a Brit..., Brit..., Dad what's this word.
Dad: It's what you are.
Eva: Christian?
Dad: No Eva, British.

Spatula degree

Eva: When I'm older, how do I get a job that makes lots of money?
Dad: You need to start with a bachelor degree.
Eva: That thing you use to stir food?
Dad: No Eva, that's a spatula. I said bachelor.

Sunday 15 September 2013

How many libs do you weigh?

Tom: When you blow up this ball, how donor know when it gets to seven libs?
Dad: What is a lib?
Tom: Look here, it says libs.
Dad: It says lbs. That's short for pounds.

Monday 19 August 2013

Who ya gonna call? Sperm busters

Tom walks into the room wearing a peculiar key chain.

Dad: Tom, what's on your belt?
Tom: Oh, it's a key chain that Zac gave me. It's a ghost that glows in the dark.
Dad: It doesn't look like a ghost to me. It looks like a giant sperm!
Tom: No, its a ghost. What's a sperm anyway?
Dad: Male reproductive cells. And it's definitely a sperm.
Tom: Mom, Zac gave me this, it's a ghost isn't it?
Mom: Well.... I did get it for Zac from a reproductive health booth at work. So it's not a ghost.
Dad: Bwahahaha haha.
Tom: *Rips it off his belt* I can't believe Zac gave this to me.
Eva: I'll have it.

Where's my willy?

Eva: Look Dad, it's one of those books where you have to find Willy.
Dad: It's Wally, Eva.

Thursday 8 August 2013

Surprises lead to heart attacks

Tom: How did Elvis Presley die?
Dad: He had a heart attack... on the toilet.
Tom: You can't have a heart attack on the toilet.
Dad: You can have a heart attack anywhere.
Tom: But there's no one to surprise you when you're on the toilet?
Dad: You don't get heart attacks from being surprised. You get them because your heart fails.

Dark magic

Tom: Dad, I learned a card trick off the Internet. Can I try it on you?
Dad: Oh God, do I have to?
Tom: Pick a card, don't show it to me.
*I pick 9 of clubs*
Tom: Now put it back in the deck. And cut the deck.
*Tom pulls out the 10 of diamonds*
Tom: Is this your card?
Dad: No. Definitely not.
Tom: Oh. You must have done that wrong.
Dad: No, YOU did that wrong. Great trick.

Wednesday 31 July 2013

Look into my ears

Dad: Eva you have a reminder card to see the optometrist.
Eva: The optometrist for my ears?
Dad: Optometrists look at your eyes Eva.
Eva: Well, who'll look at my ears then?


Eva: Happy Anniversity Mom and Dad.
Dad: Thanks Eva. But it's anniversary.

Monday 29 July 2013

Bed parts

The wife and I flopped down on each other's side of the bed.

Eva: Mom, Dad, how come you're on the wrong bed parts?

Saturday 18 May 2013


Teacher: Tom, does your dad ever tell you to eat all your food up?
Tom: Yes, but he says it meaner, like "Eat all your food now or you'll go to bed!"


Tom: Dad, I'm a genie at maths.
Dad: I think you mean genius.

Saturday 11 May 2013

I see dead people cars

Tom: Look Dad, a limo!
Eva: Oh ya, it's a dead people car.
Dad: No Eva, that's something different.

Saturday 20 April 2013


We're watching Ghost with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore.

Eva: Why do you and Dad have wet eyes?

Monday 8 April 2013

Playing Horace

Shooting basketballs with Tom and Grandma.

Dad: Okay Tom, you're beating Grandma. You have H O R and have almost spelled horse.
Tom: Yeah, now I only need three more baskets to get A C E.
Dad: You think the game is called Horace? It's horse, like the animal.

The lyin' king

Grandma is reading Eva a story.

Grandma: And then Simba convinced Nay-la to gobwirh him to the dark place.
Eva: Uh, it's pronounced Nah-la.

Saturday 23 March 2013

Doing the washing machine

Watching Top Gun with the kids.  It's the Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis love scene.

Eva: Ewwww, Maverick put his tongue in her mouth.
Tom: Yeah, he's doing the washing machine with his tongue (he then make a crude noise).

Thursday 7 March 2013

Dogs don't drive

Eva: Look Dad, the neighbour has a lot of cars.  There are four of them.
Dad: Yes Eva. Everyone in that house has their own car.
Eva: You mean, their dog drives a car?
Dad: No Eva, there are four PEOPLE in that house.  Dogs don't drive cars.

Wednesday 30 January 2013

Colour of Jesus

<p dir=ltr>Eva: Jesus was born in Bethlehem wasn't he dad? <br>
Dad: Yes, do you know where that is? In Israel, in the Middle East. <br>
Tom: If Jesus is from the Middle East, why is he white? <br>
Dad: Who says he was white? <br>
Tom: All the pictures show he's white. <br>
Dad: Pictures painted by white Europeans hundreds of years ago obviously portrayed him white. <br>
Eva: Yeah Tom, he was actually peachy black. </p>

Sunday 20 January 2013

Garth Vader.

Playing Star Wars Angry Birds.

Eva: Look Dad, Garth Vader.