Sunday 29 April 2012

Night night, don't let the...

Eva: At bedtime, my friend's mom says to her, "Good night, don't let the worms pop out".
Mom: I think you mean, "don't let the bed bugs bite".
Eva: No, worms. Cuz they wriggle. That's how they come out.

Dip in the pool

Eva: I wish we had a pool in the back garden.
Mom: Under a nice big conservatory to keep the rain out.
Dad: It would be very expensive.
Tom: Yeah, like a billion pounds.
Dad: Probably more like a hundred thousand.
Eva: What if we just had a cacuzzi?
Mom: Yes a cacuzzi would be be nice. But it's called a jacuzzi. 

The Death Star is fully operational

*Watching Star Wars, Ep IV*

Tom: Why are those Stormtroopers shooting at Han Solo?  He's not done anything.
Dad: He's offering a lift to Luke and Obiwan who have the Death Star plans.
Tom: What plans?
Dad: Are we watching the same movie?  The plans the rebels will use to destroy the Death Star. The plans that everyone has been talking about since the start! 
Eva: Why do they need plants?
Dad: PLANS!  Arrrggh!

Poo poo not allowed

The sign on Eva's door:

"Dad and mom and Zac and Eva can cum in. Tommy is poo poo.

Thursday 26 April 2012

Ear protection

Eva: Dad, sunglasses protect your eyes from the sun don't they?
Dad: Yes they do.
Eva: They also protect your ears.. Because there is a bit that sits on your ears.
Dad: Not quite Eva.

Staring at the sun

Tom: Wow the sun is bright. Good thing I'm wearing sunglasses so I can see it.
Dad: Tom, you NEVER stare at the sun. It will hurt your eyes.
Tom: But why?
Eva: Because it's a ball of fire Tom!

Muscle car

Out walking.

Tom: Does that car have a five litre engine?
Dad: That car? It's a Nissan Micra! Of course it doesn't. Five litre engines are in cars like on Smokey and the Bandit.
Tom: Oh ya.

Carrot poo

Out walking

Dad: Watch out for that dog poo.
Eva: Ewww. Looks like there were carrots in it. That dog must have been allergic to carrots.
Dad: Eva, it's not an allergy when you pass food through your digestive system.
Tom: Yeah Eva. Eva If the dog WAS allergic to carrots, he'd have spots on his bum.

Cry baby

Out walking.

Eva: What's that noise? It sounds like a crying baby.
Dad: I think it's a cat squealing at another cat.
Eva: It could be a baby couldn't it?
Dad: Coming from the top of that garden shed? Don't think so.
Eva: Could be a cat baby.

Saturday 21 April 2012

Dog pee

*Out walking. Dogs are about*

Eva: When our dog pees he stands up, but he lifts his leg a little. That dog just bends down and keeps four legs on the ground.
Tom: Because our dog is a man. That dog is a lady.
Eva: Oh ya, we have a man dog.

Ah, bless

*Eva sneezes... A-a-achoo*

Eva: Bless you, me.
Dad: Eva, you say excuse me.
Eva: Oh.

Thursday 19 April 2012

Turtle club

The school asks kids to do "turtle" when they get frustrated. It involves some arm folding and self reflection.
I can't help but think of the movie, "Master of Disguise" whenever Eva says she had to do "turtle".

Btw, the link above is clickable if you wanna see what I mean.

Slim shady

*School has impractical security gate. We usually wait ages for buzzer to be answered *

Dad: Eva, slip between the bars because you're so small and open the gate from the other side.

*Eva slips through. It's very Mission Impossible*

Tom: Dad, we'll have to stop feeding her so she stays skinny enough to do that.

Crank it up

* Eating dinner.  Tom is making a show of how hard he's having to use his knife*

Tom: Ugh, aarrgh!  This is hard to cut.  Ow, I have a bad crank.  Ow crank, crank.
Dad: I think you mean cramp. And can we tone down the drama? It's just a piece of chicken.

Wednesday 18 April 2012

Tom, I am your father!

*Kids are watching Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (again) with Mom*

Tom: Mom, why has Obiwan left Anakin to catch on fire (Tom starts getting a bit upset).
Mom: Well, Anakin had become angry and part of the dark side.

*Scene jumps to Padme dying giving birth*

Tom: Why is Padme dying?
Mom: Because she senses what happened to Anakin and she's dying of a broken heart.

*Tom bursts into tears*

Tom: Mom, why does Padme have to die of a broken heart?
Eva: Tom, what are you cryin' for?

*He continues sobbing.  Mom later says it's probably a good thing Dad wasn't in the room*

Monday 16 April 2012

Real espanol

Eva: Mom, I can count to 10 in Spanish.
Mom: I know you can. You must have a good Spanish teacher.
Eva: She is a "real" Spanish teacher.
Mom: Oh ya? Is she from Spain?
Eva: I don't know.  But she's brown. The other Spanish teacher is from England.  She just knows stuff.

My dog is better than that dog

*While out walking the dog*

Eva: Mom, look at that little dog.  I bet our dog can run faster.

Saturday 14 April 2012

Aye Chihuahua!

Dad: Eva, look at that little dog.
Eva: Is it a Husky dog?
Dad: Uh no Eva.  A Husky is very large.  That's a Chihuahua.

She couldn't find two dogs at further ends of the size spectrum if she tried.
Ironically, later in the day she saw a Husky and correctly identified it.

Billiams of steps

Eva is counting while walking.

Dad: Eva, what are you counting?
Eva: My steps. I'm up to a billiam.
Dad: It's 'billion' Eva.

Thursday 12 April 2012

I want to be a billionaire

Tom: Dad, how come there are millionaires and billionaires, but there are no qazillionaires and infinity-aires?
Dad: Because no one person has ever earned that much money. And trillionaire is the next level.
Tom: I'll earn a trillion pounds, when I'm a popstar.

Saint Thomas

Tom: Dad, how do you become a Saint?  Do you have to fight someone?
Dad: No Tom. You have to perform a miracle and then the Pope makes you a saint.
Tom: What's a pope?
Dad: The head of the Catholic Church.
Tom: I'm going to be Catholic then, so I can be Saint Thomas.

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Flying car

Eva: Mom, I wish cars could fly. Then you could see the whole town.

Skeleton privates

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, I found the skeleton's privates.
Mom: Eva, it's called the pubic bone.

Skeleton eyes

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, look here (she points to eye sockets).  This is where God puts your eyeballs.

Skeleton eyes

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, look here (she points to eye sockets).  This is where God puts your eyeballs.

Monday 9 April 2012

Who hates treasure?

The usual argument about which DVD to watch.

Eva: I want to watch Mamma Mia!
Tom: I want to watch Tintin!
Dad: Eva, we've seen Mamma Mia a million times.  Why don't we watch Tintin for 10 minutes to see if we like it.  It's a cartoon about a treasure hunt.
Eva: I hate cartoons.  And I hate treasure.

Since when Eva?  Since when?

All packed up and ready to go

* We are preparing for an upcoming holiday.  I examine the suitcase I left to Tom to pack *

Dad: We'll be gone for a few days, you might need more than one pair of trousers and one shirt.

(I sniff his clothes).

Dad: Plus, these are dirty!  Put these in the laundry!

Dark matter

Eva: Mom, because it's wet and muddy out, I have a good idea. 
Mom: What's your idea then?
Eva: I'm going to wear these dark clothes so that if I splash mud on them it won't show.

Brilliant.  So dark clothes stay perpetually clean by means of an optical illusion?

Friday 6 April 2012

Get some nuts

* Tom and Eva are playing rougher than they should be *

Eva: Ouch Tom.  You hurt my nuts!
Dad: EVA-ROSE!  One, don't say that, it's not a nice word.  And two, you don't have nuts.

Keep your bum tidy

* Tom walks in on me in the bathroom as I'm wiping my bottom *

Tom: Dad, you have poo hanging from your bum!
Dad: Tom, that's why I'm wiping my bum!  Get out of here!
(I wipe vigorously to remove the offending poo before pulling up my undies).
Tom: Ewww, the poo is still there and it's fallen into your pants!
Dad: (I look in my pants). Tom, it's butt fluff for God's sake, not poo.  Get out of here!

Clearly my butt fluff is substantial!  Rivaled only by my navel fluff.

Thursday 5 April 2012

One child predicted

Eva: Mom, when I'm older, I will have one child.
Mom: Only one?
Eva: *Show Mom one of the creases on her palm*. See, this line goes deeper down, so it means I will have on child.
Dad: I recommend you have no children!

Jesus versus Easter Bunny

* Kids can see I have chocolate eggs in the shopping bag *

Eva: Dad, did you get chocolate eggs?
Dad: No I didn't.  The Easter Bunny is going to bring some.
Tom: I believe in Jesus, but I don't believe in the Easter Bunny.
Eva: I believe in the Easter Bunny!

You gotta be in it to win it

* Mom is scratching a lottery ticket.  It's not looking good. *

Eva: Mom, did you win?
Mom: Unfortunately no.
Eva: Maybe someone else won then.

Tuesday 3 April 2012

I pronounce you dog and wife

*While walking our dog past another*

Eva: When our dog and that other dog are older, if they're still alive, they might hold hands and lick eachother's bellies. Then they'll be married.

If only licking ladies' bellies worked for humans.

Ain't no woman can ride a motorcycle

*Someone has dumped a rusty motorcycle in the park*

Eva: Probably a man dumped that motorcycle there because girls can't ride motorcycles. Well, they can, but they have to practice.  Mans already know how to ride motorcycles.

Monday 2 April 2012

Loosen that belt

Eva: I ate sooooo much food today. My belt is blocking me.

She then proceeds to free herself from the confines of her shiny red belt which is purely for fashion purposes.

He will bonnet you

*I'm describing to Mom a situation where someone got "bollocked"*

Tom: What is a bollock?
Mom: In this case, it's slang for getting in trouble. It's not nice to say.
Eva: Yeah, I would get in trouble if I said bonnet.  Is that the right word?
Dad: If it's not nice to say Eva, then don't worry about saying it right.

Sunday 1 April 2012


*Eva is banging two sticks together*

Eva: Dad, rubbing sticks is how my friend and I start a fire. Well, a pretend fire. But then we turn the pretend fire into a real fire. Well, a pretend real fire.

Better out than in

*While at the dinner table*

Eva: Mom, if you're allergic to good, you can either sick it out, or poo it out.
Mom: Better to sick it out I think.