Chilli time

12:45 pm...as I'm stirring the chilli for lunch

Eva: Dad, can I have some breakfast?

Pluckers

Tom: When you eat salad you should use salad pliers.
Dad: Salad pliers?
Tom: I mean salad pluckers.
Dad: I think what you REALLY mean is salad tongs.

Strip club

Tom: Have you ever been to a strip club?
Dad: Just once.
Tom: Did you put money in the lady's pants?
Dad: No Tom.

Bald patches

Dad: Eva, what are you staring at?
Eva: Dad, you have a lot of bald patches.
Dad: Thanks Eva. I'm almost 40, so I don't think I'm doing too bad.