Saturday 29 December 2012

Black lung

*Mom has made a model of a lung with a plastic bottle and some balloons*

Tom: Wow mom, you’re an artist.
Eva: Your lungs are pink.  But when you smoke, they go black.

Breakfast jokes

*Over breakfast, Tom is reading the jokes on the cereal boxes.   Eva is trying, but finding it easier to invent jokes*

Eva: Tom, why do hedgehogs drink water?
Tom: Eat.
Eva: Tom, why do hedgehogs eat eggs?
Tom: Eva, eat your breakfast!

Sleep or play?

Eva: I told my friend that you said I can't sleep over.
Mom: Well, you're too young to have a sleepover Eva.
Eva: She said I could come over for other things like to play. Either for six minutes, or an hour.

Memory staff

Eva: At school, if you're rude, the teacher says "Are you talking to memory staff"?
Mom: Do you mean "member of staff"?
Eva: Yeah.

Save your voice

*Rushing out the door to swimming lessons. *

Dad: Why aren't the bathing suits in this bag.
Eva: We're wearing them under our clothes.
Dad: No one checked with me.
Eva: We thought it was a good idea so you didn't need to ask us. This way it saves your voice so you don't have to shout at us.

Stay close to your siblits

Mom: Kids, do you know what siblings are?
Tom: They're clones!
Mom: No, they're brother and sister like you and Eva.
Eva: Mom, who's your siblit?

Ballerina dog walking

*While walking the dog*

Eva: Dad, when the dog walks behind you and you have to twist around with the leash you look like a ballerina.

Holiday camp. Now with fewer volcanoes

Mom: Maybe we'll go on a holiday to Pontins.
Eva: What's that?
Mom: It's like a Butlins UK Holiday camp.
Tom: I hope there are no volcanoes there.

Food bag

Eva: When you eat, your food goes into a bag in your lungs.
Mom: No Eva, it goes into a different bag called a stomach.

Star named Gary

Mom: Kids, when it's nice outside we'll sit under the stars and look for constellations. They all have names you know.
Tom: Like Gary and Nathan?
Mom: More like Orion.

Three mosquitoes

*Putting on tonight's film*

Tom: We're watching The Three Mosquitoes?
Dad: Not mosquitoes Tom, musketeers. The Three Musketeers.

Have a break, have a Kit-Kat

Tom: why is dad taking so long in the shop?
Mom: he is probably buying his favourite treats.
Tom: What, like Kit-Kats?
Mom: Tom, your Dad rarely buys or eats Kit-Kats.

Life is not fair

After discussing school activities with Tom

Eva: Tom gets to do that? That's not fair!
Tom: Eva, life is not fair.

Chicken pops

Eva: Dad, when I was younger, I was sick wasn't I?
Dad: Were you?
Eva: Yeah, I had chicken pops.
Dad: Pox Eva. It's pronounced chicken pox.

Heart skips a beep

Eva: When it's quiet, I can hear my own heart beep.
Dad: Eva, it's called a heart beat.

Lend me a hand

Eva:  “I wish I had three pairs of hands.”

Call the cops

Dad:  “Eva-Rose, if I see you sucking your thumb again I'm going to bite it so hard it bleeds.”
Eva:  “Then I'll call the police.”

*Dad and mom glance at each other*

Vampire Night

Eva:  “It's almost Halloween, Vampire Night and Christmas.”
Tom:  “It's not Vampire Night, it's Bonfire Night.”
Eva:  “You can call it what you want. I don't mind.”

Here's breath in your eye

On a cold day.

Eva:  “Tom, it's so cold I can see my breath.”
Tom:  “Me too. Look.”
Eva:  “Ewww, your breath is going in my eye.”

Where's the pace?

Dad:  “Eva, you're running out of time, pick up the pace.”
Eva:  “(Looks at the floor) Where is it?”
Dad:  “Pick up the means hurry up.”

Poster Man

Dad:  “Tell Tom he's had some post.”
Eva:  “Some toast?”
Dad:  “No, post.”
Eva:  “Why don't I get post from the poster?”
Dad:  “You will when you're older. And it's a postman, not a poster.”

Same birthday?

Eva:  “Mom, is my birthday always in May?”
Mom:  “Yes Eva.”

You forgot our recycling

On rubbish/recycling collection day:

Tom:  “Why didn't that truck pick up our recycling?
Dad:  “Because it was a street sweeper. Hence the spinning brush that was sweeping the

street only a few feet from where you were standing.”

Hippie Angel

Tom:  “Dad, what did the Angel Gabriel do after she came to visit Mary and Joseph.”
Dad:  “HE, the Angel Gabriel was a HE.”
Tom:  “But Gabriel has long hair in my story (the nativity)”
Dad:  “Yes, Angels had long hair. But it was a boy Angel.”

Thunderous sofas

Eva:  “I don't like thunder.”
Mom:  “Do you know what thunder is?”
Eva:  “Yes, it's Jesus moving a sofa around.”

Amen to Dad

Dinner is being served

Eva:  “Amen, Amen, Amen. Dad, why don't we do the Amen thing before we eat?
Dad:  “I'm not sure why we don't.
Zac:  “Eva, you don't even know who you're praying to.”
Eva:  “Yes I do. I'm praying to Dad, cuz he made the dinner.”

Undead after death

Eva:  “When I die will I be an angel?”
Mom:  “Yes Eva, you will be.”
Eva:  “My friend said I'd be a zombie. Or a vampire.”

The Colonel will see you now

Dad:  “Kids, we're going to have KFC for lunch.”
Tom:  “KFC adverts always have that old man with the white moustache.”
Dad:  “Yes Tom, the Colonel.”
Tom:  “Colonel Mustard?”
Dad:  “No Tom, Colonel Sanders.”

Sandy glass

Tom pointing to my glass rimmed with celery salt, prepped for a bloody mary.
Tom:  “Dad, Can you eat that sand on your glass?

That's a spicy toothpaste

Eva:  “I have no toothpaste left.”
Mom:  “Just use Tom's.”
Eva:  “I don't like it. It's too spicy.”

Funny mayonnaise

Lunchtime. I'm taking something very hot and very tomato saucy out of the microwave.

Eva:  “Dad, is that mayonnaise for your lunch?”
Dad:  “Eva, of course it's not. It's chili!”

Big orange

Eva:  “Dad, is this a biggest orange ever?”
Dad:  “Eva, it's a grapefruit.”
Eva:  “Oh. I love grapefroo.”
Dad:  “Really? A second ago you didn't even know what it was.”

Sharing food

Dad:  “What does "being related mean"?”
Eva:  “It means you can share food with that person.”

Cream cheese

Eva:  “Dad, what is this?”
Dad:  “Cream cheese.”
Eva:  “Is that the same as fillidelfida?”

Marshmallow tree

*While helping mom plant a fruit tree outside*

Eva:  “Does this tree grow marshmallows?”

Germs are bad for your heart

Dad:  “Eva-Rose, why do we have to wash our vegetables before we eat.”
Eva:  “Because they won't taste nice.”
Dad:  “Yes, because there are germs on them. Germs can make you sick.”
Eva:  “Yeah, they can make your heart stop beeping.”


Eva-Rose:  “Can I leave strawberry popcorn and Coca-Rola for the reindeer.”

Boiler up the backside

Tom:  “If Santa tries to come down our chimney (actually a boiler exhaust) and the fire is on, will he be dead?”

Auntie mother-in-law

Tom:  “Our Aunt is coming on Christmas because she is family.”
Eva:  “She's NOT family?!”
Dad:  “Yes she is, she's part of our extended family.”
Tom:  “Yeah, she's your mother-in-law. Isn't she dad?”
Dad:  “Sister. Sister-in-law Tom.”

Better not tell her about this one.

Santa writing

Tom:  “Wow, Santa sure uses fancy writing on the gift tags.  How much writing can he do?  I think he can do Comic Sans, Courier New and Times New Roman.”

Ruby the Red-nosed reindeer

Mom:  “Kids, do you want to go to Winter Wonderland in Telford for Xmas?”
Tom:  “Will we see Prancer and Dancer?”
Eva:  “And Ruby?”
Mom:  “Who?”
Eva:  “Ruby the red-nosed reindeer.”
Mom:  “It's Rudolph.”
Tom:  “I don't think he's real. I've never seen him.”

Poo wisdom

We're walking to school

Tom:  “I've walked past three piles of dog poo. One big one, one little one and one diarrhea one.”
Eva:  “Daddy, little dogs can't do big poos cuz they're only little, but big dogs can cuz they're big.”

Justin Bieber is a dog

Eva:  “Some people look like Justin Bieber, even dogs.”

Penguin, meet bear

Eva:  “Penguins live at the North Pole.  Polar bears live, uh, I don't know where they live. But they only ever meet in a zoo.”

All rats go to heaven

*Jerry, our pet rat has died*

Eva-Rose:  “When will his bones go up in the sky?”
Mom:  “Don't you mean his soul?”
Eva-Rose:  “When can we get a fish?”

Grey hand

*In the park*

Eva:  “Oooh, a poodle.”
Dad:  “That's right Eva.  Do you know what that other dog is?”
Eva:  “A thin dog.”
Dad:  “It's a greyhound.”
Eva:  “Oh, a grey hand. I wish we had one.”

Chicken poo

Eva:  Poo doesn't come out of a chicken's bottom. Eggs do.

Turkeys vs. Chickens

Mom:  “How can you tell the difference between a turkey and a chicken?”
Tom:  “A turkey has eye brows...”

Rhyming slang

Eva:  “I want a sheep dog.  And a sheep cat.  And a sheep rat.  Sheep and rat rhyme.

What belly buttons do

Eva:  “I know why I have a belly button.  Because I was attached to mommy's belly.  I was in the middle and next to something gooey.”

No kissing

Tom:  “I don't want to get married because I'd have to kiss the girl at the wedding and that would be embarrassing.  I'd just want to get it over with.”

Was that sex?

*While watching the movie, The Duchess, during a 'suggestive' bit*

Eva:  “Did they just have sex?”
Mom:  “Eva, that's not a nice thing to say.”
Dad:  “Eva, you don't even know what having sex is.”
Eva:  “Yes I do. It's when grown ups take off their clothes and say 'Mmmm’ ”

Babies are waiting

Eva:  “Do I already have babies sat waiting in my tummy.”
Tom:  “No, Eva. You have eggs sat waiting....and I have testicles sat waiting.”

Where babies come from

Tom:  “Mom, what's the stuff in your testicles that makes babies?”
Mom:  “It's called sperm.”
Tom:  “Oh. I thought it was called sperth.”

Old age

Eva:  “Mom, you're older than dad so you'll be an old granny before he is. “
Dad:  “Eva, I will never be a granny. “
Mom:  “Eva, when I'm a granny, daddy will be a granddad too. “
Eva:  “And mom will die first.  But dad will die two days later. Then you'll be the ground

Can't have enough trampolines

Eva:  "Can I have a trampoline for my birthday? Then we'll have two and Tommy and I won't have to fight over our one trampoline. "

Hair insulation

*In the cold weather this morning:

Eva: "Dad, you don't get cold cuz you're hairy.  The dog doesn't get cold cuz he's REALLY hairy. "
Watching a TV show where one of the characters can shrink.

Dad: Do you think someone could really shrink like that?
Eva: No, only clothes can shrink.

Sausage dog

Watching TV.

Eva: Look Dad, there's a sausage dog.
Dad: Why are they called that?  Are they made of sausages?
Eva: No, that's just the shape they are.
Dad: Okay, so what ARE dogs made of?
Eva: They're made of dog material.

Wednesday 26 December 2012

Revenge of the Dinosoids

Watching the film, Jurassic Park

Eva: Oh no, they'd better run away from the dinosoids.

Sunday 23 December 2012

God shaped

We're walking the dog.

Eva: Dad, did you know God's in all of us?
Dad: Is he?
Eva: Yes. (She points to the dog) He's even in pets.
Dad: Oh?
Eva: Only then, he's pet-shaped.

Most famous reindeer of all

It's Christmas time.

Eva: Do you know which one is my favourite reindeer? Rudolph.
Mom: Oh ya?
Eva: And my next favourites are Prancer and Cupid.
Mom: I see.
Eva: And my less favourite is Tinkerbell.
Mom: Tinkerbell isn't a reindeer Eva.

Cuddle bears

Eva: Mom, what are them things that cuddle trees?
Mom: What.
Eva: You know, the bears from Australia?
Mom: Koala bears?
Eva: Yeah.

Sunday 9 December 2012

A bug's life

Tom: Dad, where are all the bugs in the winter.
Dad: Lots of them find places to sleep during the winter.  But many of them just die.
Tom: Why do they die?
Dad: Because bugs don't live very long.  Some live weeks, others only for days.
Tom: Well that's not fair.
Dad: That's life.

Jesus was a foreigner

Dad: Eva, where was Jesus born?
Eva: In a cot?
Dad: Where was the cot?
Eva: In a manger.
Dad: But where was the manger?
Eva: In Bethlehem.
Dad: And where is Bethlehem?
Eva: It's in a different country.  Most things are in a different country.

Christmas Socking

Unpacking the Christmas decorations

Eva: Dad, can we hang my Christmas socking?
Dad: It's a stocking Eva