Shoelaces for sale

In the locker room at the gym

Tom:  “Dad, look. Someone's shoelace is hanging out of this locker. Someone could cut it off and steal it.”
Dad:  “Tom, why would someone steal part of a shoelace?”
Tom:  “To sell it. Or use it as part of another shoelace.”

Slow and steady wins the shave

Dad: Tom, did you notice I shaved myself a moustache today?
Tom: Yes.  And there are no cuts on your face. Did you shave cautiously and thoroughly?
Dad: It would seem so

Breast is best

*It's early morning.  I'm shirtless and hunched over petting the dog*

Tom: Haha Dad, you have moobs.
Eva: And they're shaking when you pet the dog.

Kids then proceed to poke and prod my moobs. I don't like it.

Dog hands

Eva: Tom, I closed your bedroom door so the dog wouldn't go in.  But he might be able to open it with his dog hands.

Bubble gum swearing

*We're walking. I'm popping bubble gum bubbles*

Tom: How the hell do you do that dad?
Dad: Tom, don't say the word "hell".
Tom: I don't even know what it means.
Dad: Sure you don't.

Buffet: 1, Eva: 0

Forget it

Eva: Dad, my toothbrush has runned out of battery and doesn't spin anymore. One day, when you forget, can you put more batteries in it?

Watch where you point your testicles

Eva: Mom, look I made a caterpillar out of these balloons. (Puts her hands to her forehead) And these are his testicles.

Mom: Eva, I think you mean, tentacles.

You're both wrong, dad knows they're actually called antennae.

Polident. Life's little miracle.

Tom:  "It's funny how Nanny's fake teeth stick to her mouth."

Kaboom, you're dead from heart attack.

Eva:  Mom, will it be bonfire night on Nan's birthday?  Cuz if it is, she'll be scared, cuz she's old.

Age is relative

Nanny:  “Eva, how old are you now?”
Eva:  “I'm five now.”
Nanny:  “Oh my, you're catching me up.”
Eva:  “No I'm not Nanny.  You're old...and you have wrinkles.”

Can I upgrade my mobile?

Eva:  “Mom... I'd like a cranberry.”
Tom:  “Ha ha ha.  Eva it's a blackberry!”

Eyebrows, no longer a disability

Explaining loudly to our neighbour.

Eva: “I've got daddy's eyebrows, but it doesn't matter cuz Mommy has things to pull the hair out.”

You can tell by the dot on their heads

Mom:  “Kids, we're giving these shoeboxes full of Xmas gifts to charity for poor people in other countries.”
Tom:  “Are there poor people in China?”
Eva:  “Yes Tom, and they have this (pokes finger to middle of forehead).”
Mom:  “Eva, I think that's Indian people

Eh? What are you saying?

Tom:  “I know French. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Eva:  “I already know Tom. Those are Canada words.
Tom:  “Yeah I know it's Canadian talk.”

Viva la French!

Eva:  "Dad, you're in French. We're in different ones, England. "

A before B, except after W.

Dad:  “Tom, can you put these DVDs away in alphabetical order?”
Tom:  “I've got Fantastic Four, where is the "W"?”
Dad:  “There is no "W" in Fantastic Four.”
Tom:  “I know, but this one goes right after "W" because in the alphabet it goes W F Y Z.”
Dad:  “It's "X". Not "F".

Men and women. Different races?

Tom:  “A kid was racist to me at school.
Dad:  “Racist?  Really?
Tom:  “Yeah, he said "Hey, woman" to me.”
Dad:  “Tom, that's not racist.”

They'll never take...our FREEDOM!

Eva:  “My friend at school is named Caitlin. But her mom calls her (puts on Scottish accent) "Ketlin".
Tom:  “It's the same name Eva.”
Eva:  “I know Tom. It's just a different language.”
Tom:  “It's an accent Eva.”

Mathletes

Eva:  “Tom, I know what 12 add 12 is. It's 22.”
Tom:  “That's actually right Eva.”
Eva:  “I told you Tom. I know everything.”

Taking care of business

Eva:  Dad, Leroy the caretaker doesn't work at the school anymore.  We're gonna need a new Leroy.

I have a dream...

Eva:  “At school we learned that a man named King in a different country made kids switch schools if they had light skin and if they had dark skin.  Our family all has light skin so we'd go to the same school.
Tom:  “Yeah, it was Arthur Luther King.”
Mom:  “You mean Martin Luther King?”

Living abroad

Eva:  “I want to live with Grandma and Grandpa.”
Mom:  “Oh?”
Eva:  “You can come too.”

Luke, I am your department store window prop

At a clothing shop.

Tom:  “Dad, is that an Anakin?
Dad:  “Mannequin Tom. It's called a mannequin.

Natural tans are so much nicer

*Looking at a magazine cover*

Tom:  “Ewww. That girl used too much fake tan on her legs. They're black!”
Dad:  “She's wearing stockings Tom.”

Red bread

Dad:  “Tom, remind me when we get to the shop to get some bread.”
Tom:  “Some red?”
Dad:  “No, bread!”
Tom:  “Oh, I was thinking "What the hell is red?"
Dad:  “Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk from you.”

He must get that language from his mom

Stranger danger

Dad:  “Son, what do you say when a stranger asks you to help find his dog?”
Tom:  “No! Because he might want to hurt me.”
Dad:  “Good son.”
Dad:  Asks daughter similarly…“and if a stranger offers you candy?”
Eva:  Looking quite excited answers…“Please?”

Clearly I've still work to do in educating on stranger danger.

Naked phys ed.

Dad:  “Kids, don't forget to bring home your phys ed. clothes because it's the last day of school.”
Eva:  “We will. Cuz if we forget, we'll be naked.

Going commando

After swimming lessons

Eva:  “Dad I forgot my pants (underwear).”
Dad:  “Eva, you need to remember to bring those, you're not a baby.”
Eva:  “What do I wear?”
Dad:  “You don't really have a choice. Wear what you've got. I can't magic you up some pants.”

Go for Gold

*Trying to encourage Tom to swim a bit faster before his swimming lesson*


Dad:  “Tom, I don't want you to be the slowest swimmer today?”
Tom:  “I'm always faster than the girl in the wheelchair.”
Dad:  “Comparing yourself to a paraplegic swimmer isn't really challenging yourself is it son?”

Air Jordan

*We just bought Tom new basketball shoes*

Tom:  "Dad, these are ankle tops aren't they?”
Dad:  “High tops son, high tops.”
Just asked him again.  “He now says they're called "high ankles".

It's like pulling nails.

Eva: Tom, look at my gammy nail.  But it's okay, because it will grow out.
Tom: Dad, if you pull out your nail, will an adult nail grow in its place?
Dad: No Tom, nails are not like teeth.

The "U" is silent.

Tom: Dad, there are two ways to spell favourite.  F A V O U R I T E is the correct way.  F A V O R I T E is another way, but that's slang.

He's kind of right, it's American.  It's all slang over there isn't it?

A season named Sue. How do you do?

*Kids are singing a song about spring*

Eva: The days are getting longer, a new Susan is here!
Tom: It's a new season Eva, not Susan.  Susan is a person.

Who are you?

Eva: Is Doctor Who real?
Mom: No Eva, he's not.
Eva: Is his name Doctor Who because he tells jokes?

Smoking is bad, chicken pox, not so much

Tom: If you smoke, do your lungs get black?
Mom: Yes Tom, they do.
Tom: If they get too black, do you die?
Mom: Yes Tom.
Eva: If you have red spots, it means you have chicken pops.  But you won't die.

I want to ride my BICYCLE.

Mom: Kids, if a bicycle has two wheels, what do you call one with only one wheel?
Eva: A bice.....?
Tom:  No Eva!  It's a unicycle.

Eva logic: Half the wheels, must be a word half the length, right?

Tap, tap, tap

*While out for a walk, we hear tap, tap, tap on a nearby tree*

Tom: Ooh, mom listen.  It's a woodcocker!
Mom: Tom, it's a woodpecker.
Tom: Oh ya.  Mom, don't put this on Facebook.

Okay son, Mom won't.  But Dad will put it on the blog...then share it to Facebook.

It's a way of life

Tom: Eva said "sexy" at school today.
Mom: Eva, you don't say that at school.
Dad: It's also not nice to call people "gay".
Tom: Yeah Eva, it's just a habit.
Mom: What's a habit?
Tom: Being gay.
Mom: It's more of a "lifestyle".
Tom: how do you have a gay lifestyle?

Kids are sure fascinated by homosexuality

Eva: Mom, have you had gay?
Mom: What?
Eva: It's when two girls marry each other.
Mom: No Eva.

Moist chicken

Tom: Can chickens fly?
Eva: Yes Tom, with their chicken wings.
Mom: No, they can't really fly.
Tom: Well, why have wings then?
Zac (big brother): Penguins have wings and they don't fly, they swim.
Tom: Chickens can swim?

Money for nothing...

Tom is eyeing my birthday card which pictures a hot young lady and fat old man with the caption, "Which one do you think is the millionaire?"

Tom: Dad, I think the man is the millionaire.
Dad: (I chuckle) Why do you think that?
Tom: Because the girl wouldn't be with him if he wasn't a millionaire.

He's figured life out pretty early.

Get out of my dreams, and into my car.

A picture blog for you.  Eva's Hello Kitty dream car.

Don't ask, don't tell

Eva: I know what "sexy" is.
Dad: Oh really? What is it?
Eva: It means "having gay".

I then spend another five minutes explaining to the kids what "being gay" means...again.

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

*Eva is describing my hamster dance birthday card to grandma on the phone*

Eva: It plays music, and on the front there's a picture of a chick-mump.
Dad:  It's chipmunk Eva, not chick-mump.

Crash the party.

Tom: Dad, you know what would be bad at a wedding? If the church roof caved in.
Dad: Yeah, I'd say so.

Physically, physically, physically fit.

Eva: Dad, I'm walking fast so I excise.
Dad: Excise means to cut something out. It's exercise.

Bank on it

*We're going to the Big Bang Fair, a science expo, today*

Eva: Dad, can I bring some money to the bank fair?
Dad: Big Bang Fair Eva.  Not bank fair.

Happy birthday lady.

Tom: Dad, is your birthday on Mother's Day?
Dad: It is this year.
Eva: Haha.  You're a lady.

If I should die.

Tom: Mom, if we die at the same time, I want to be a mummy wrapped up and buried with you.
Mom: What about Eva?
Tom: She can be buried with dad. Because they have the same eyebrows.

That's not my name. That's not my name.

Eva: My friend's mom gave me a kiss.
Tom: Why would a stranger give you a kiss?
Eva: She knows me very well.  We know each other's names.
Tom: Oh ya, what's her name then?
Eva: Uh...you don't need to know that Tom. 

I'm not dead.

Eva: Is you great uncle dead?
Mom: Yes Eva.
Eva: My great uncle is a bit.
Mom: A bit what?
Eva: A bit dead. 

Reminds me of Monty Python.

Better to have loved...

Eva: Can we visit John and Jane?
Mom: John and Jane broke up.
Eva: Oh, weren't they married?
Tom: No Eva, they were just boyfriend and girlfriend. 
Eva: Can she get a new one?
Dad: A new what?
Eva: A new boyfriend!
Dad: I suppose so. If she wants one.

Hands at 10 and 2 o'clock.

*While driving*

Eva: Mom, is that driving thing attached to the wheels?
Mom: What driving thing?
Dad: Do you mean the steering wheel?  Yes, it's attached to the wheels.  

No pain, no gain

Eva: If you don't want to exercise you can jog instead.

Take me to your leader

*While driving*

Eva: I just saw a green man?
Mom: A green man?
Eva: Yeah the green man from that movie on a poster.
Mom: You mean Yoda?
Eva: Yeah. 

Welcome to Deadland.

Tom: You can live to infinity. Because when you die you live in the ground forever... in Deadland.
Nice.  Personally, I'd rather go to Heaven.

The sign says...

This is "Eva's toothpaste" in her writing. So there can be NO mistake.

Verily I say to thee, "thou art drunk"!

Tom: How was the bus ride home dad?

Dad: A bit irritating as there was a really drunk old man who kept shouting at people.

Tom: Did he look like Thor?

Dad: No Tom, he looked like an old man.

Open source

Dad: Tom, I'm installing Linux on your computer.

Tom: Alright!

Dad: You don't even know what Linux is.

Tom: I didn't mean "alright" like "fantastic".  I mean "alright" like "I don't mind".

Calling it "taking a poo" is so un P.C.

Heard lots of messing behind a closed washroom door. So I look in and see Eva taking a poo... But messing with the rad and everything else she can reach:

Dad: Eva, what are you doing?
Eva: Havin' a toilet.

This is Eva-speak for taking a poo. Must be the flowery language the school makes them use.

Car innovation

*Driving in the rain*

Eva: I wish when it rained there were things on our windows to wipe the rain away.
Dad: You mean wipers? On the car's side windows?
Eva: Yeah.