Wednesday 30 August 2017


We're watching a PG13 gross-out comedy when one of the male characters gets sexually excited.

Eva: Haha, that's hilarious, he's got a contraction!
Tom: A contraction? Haha, that's not what it's called.
Mom: Eva, it's called an erection.
Eva: Tom, stop laughing.

Friday 28 July 2017

Death due to oldness

Eva: How old were you when your Nan died?
Mom: Oh, around 12 I think.
Eva: Did your Nan just die of oldness?

Sunday 23 July 2017

Like a virgin

Eva: Mom, my teacher is a virgin.
Mom: Your teacher told you she's a virgin?
Eva: Yeah, she doesn't eat meat.
Mom: You mean a vegan. Not a virgin!

Thursday 6 July 2017

Going abroad

Dad: I might have a rum and coke.
Tom: Oh Dad, you're going abroad with the captain?
Dad: Uhm, the expression is "Setting sail with Captain Morgan".

Friday 28 April 2017

Getting laid

*Watching music videos*
Me: Oh my, Hanson is back. Look at all those chicks in the background. They're definitely getting laid.
Eva: What does that mean?
Me: Uh, it means they'll get kissed by all the girls.

Crispy pig

Eva: This fried chicken is like that crispy pig thing.
Dad: You mean pork scratchings...not crispy pig things.
Eva: Oh ya.

Wood cutting guy

Tom: Dad, why do you dress in plaid? You look like one of those wood cutting guys.
Me: You mean a lumberjack?
Tom: Oh ya.

Thursday 6 April 2017


Watching an advert that features a shiny dildo.

Tom: Wow, that looks like a really big shotgun bullet!
Dad: Uh, it's not a bullet.

Friday 24 February 2017


Tom is watching Star Trek.

Tom: I didn't know is that Wiffy Goldberg was in this show.
Dad: It's Whoopy, Whoopy Goldberg.

Wake up

Emelia: I stayed in bed and didn't wake up. And I didn't wake down.

Saturday 4 February 2017

Where's your brain?

Me: Emelia, are you clever?
Emelia: Yes.
Me: Where's your big brain? Is it in your head?
Emelia: No, in my face.

Sunday 22 January 2017

The dog blows

Strong winds have recently blown the back yard trampoline over. I point it out to three year old Emelia:

Me: Oh my, how do you think that happened?
Emelia: Doggie did it.
Me: Doggie is not strong enough, and doesn't have opposable thumbs. It was the wind.
Emelia: *stunned silence*

Saturday 21 January 2017


Tom: You know what I'd like for dinner next time?
Dad: What?
Tom: Tunips.
Dad: What the hell is a tunip? Do you mean a turnip?
Tom: Yeah, a turnip.

Monday 9 January 2017

Moldy cheese

Tom: What's the stuff in blue cheese? Is it blueberries?
Dad: Actually, it's mold.
Tom: Mold?!