Saturday, 29 December 2012

Black lung


*Mom has made a model of a lung with a plastic bottle and some balloons*

Tom: Wow mom, you’re an artist.
Eva: Your lungs are pink.  But when you smoke, they go black.

Breakfast jokes

*Over breakfast, Tom is reading the jokes on the cereal boxes.   Eva is trying, but finding it easier to invent jokes*

Eva: Tom, why do hedgehogs drink water?
Tom: Eat.
Eva: Tom, why do hedgehogs eat eggs?
Tom: Eva, eat your breakfast!

Sleep or play?


Eva: I told my friend that you said I can't sleep over.
Mom: Well, you're too young to have a sleepover Eva.
Eva: She said I could come over for other things like to play. Either for six minutes, or an hour.

Memory staff


Eva: At school, if you're rude, the teacher says "Are you talking to memory staff"?
Mom: Do you mean "member of staff"?
Eva: Yeah.

Save your voice


*Rushing out the door to swimming lessons. *

Dad: Why aren't the bathing suits in this bag.
Eva: We're wearing them under our clothes.
Dad: No one checked with me.
Eva: We thought it was a good idea so you didn't need to ask us. This way it saves your voice so you don't have to shout at us.

Stay close to your siblits


Mom: Kids, do you know what siblings are?
Tom: They're clones!
Mom: No, they're brother and sister like you and Eva.
Eva: Mom, who's your siblit?

Ballerina dog walking


*While walking the dog*

Eva: Dad, when the dog walks behind you and you have to twist around with the leash you look like a ballerina.

Holiday camp. Now with fewer volcanoes


Mom: Maybe we'll go on a holiday to Pontins.
Eva: What's that?
Mom: It's like a Butlins UK Holiday camp.
Tom: I hope there are no volcanoes there.

Food bag

Eva: When you eat, your food goes into a bag in your lungs.
Mom: No Eva, it goes into a different bag called a stomach.

Star named Gary


Mom: Kids, when it's nice outside we'll sit under the stars and look for constellations. They all have names you know.
Tom: Like Gary and Nathan?
Mom: More like Orion.

Three mosquitoes


*Putting on tonight's film*

Tom: We're watching The Three Mosquitoes?
Dad: Not mosquitoes Tom, musketeers. The Three Musketeers.

Have a break, have a Kit-Kat


Tom: why is dad taking so long in the shop?
Mom: he is probably buying his favourite treats.
Tom: What, like Kit-Kats?
Mom: Tom, your Dad rarely buys or eats Kit-Kats.

Life is not fair


After discussing school activities with Tom

Eva: Tom gets to do that? That's not fair!
Tom: Eva, life is not fair.

Chicken pops


Eva: Dad, when I was younger, I was sick wasn't I?
Dad: Were you?
Eva: Yeah, I had chicken pops.
Dad: Pox Eva. It's pronounced chicken pox.

Heart skips a beep


Eva: When it's quiet, I can hear my own heart beep.
Dad: Eva, it's called a heart beat.

Lend me a hand


Eva:  “I wish I had three pairs of hands.”

Call the cops


Dad:  “Eva-Rose, if I see you sucking your thumb again I'm going to bite it so hard it bleeds.”
Eva:  “Then I'll call the police.”

*Dad and mom glance at each other*

Vampire Night


Eva:  “It's almost Halloween, Vampire Night and Christmas.”
Tom:  “It's not Vampire Night, it's Bonfire Night.”
Eva:  “You can call it what you want. I don't mind.”

Here's breath in your eye


On a cold day.

Eva:  “Tom, it's so cold I can see my breath.”
Tom:  “Me too. Look.”
Eva:  “Ewww, your breath is going in my eye.”

Where's the pace?


Dad:  “Eva, you're running out of time, pick up the pace.”
Eva:  “(Looks at the floor) Where is it?”
Dad:  “Pick up the pace...it means hurry up.”

Poster Man


Dad:  “Tell Tom he's had some post.”
Eva:  “Some toast?”
Dad:  “No, post.”
Eva:  “Why don't I get post from the poster?”
Dad:  “You will when you're older. And it's a postman, not a poster.”

Same birthday?


Eva:  “Mom, is my birthday always in May?”
Mom:  “Yes Eva.”

You forgot our recycling


On rubbish/recycling collection day:

Tom:  “Why didn't that truck pick up our recycling?
Dad:  “Because it was a street sweeper. Hence the spinning brush that was sweeping the

street only a few feet from where you were standing.”

Hippie Angel


Tom:  “Dad, what did the Angel Gabriel do after she came to visit Mary and Joseph.”
Dad:  “HE, the Angel Gabriel was a HE.”
Tom:  “But Gabriel has long hair in my story (the nativity)”
Dad:  “Yes, Angels had long hair. But it was a boy Angel.”

Thunderous sofas


Eva:  “I don't like thunder.”
Mom:  “Do you know what thunder is?”
Eva:  “Yes, it's Jesus moving a sofa around.”

Amen to Dad


Dinner is being served

Eva:  “Amen, Amen, Amen. Dad, why don't we do the Amen thing before we eat?
Dad:  “I'm not sure why we don't.
Zac:  “Eva, you don't even know who you're praying to.”
Eva:  “Yes I do. I'm praying to Dad, cuz he made the dinner.”

Undead after death


Eva:  “When I die will I be an angel?”
Mom:  “Yes Eva, you will be.”
Eva:  “My friend said I'd be a zombie. Or a vampire.”

The Colonel will see you now


Dad:  “Kids, we're going to have KFC for lunch.”
Tom:  “KFC adverts always have that old man with the white moustache.”
Dad:  “Yes Tom, the Colonel.”
Tom:  “Colonel Mustard?”
Dad:  “No Tom, Colonel Sanders.”

Sandy glass


Tom pointing to my glass rimmed with celery salt, prepped for a bloody mary.
Tom:  “Dad, Can you eat that sand on your glass?

That's a spicy toothpaste


Eva:  “I have no toothpaste left.”
Mom:  “Just use Tom's.”
Eva:  “I don't like it. It's too spicy.”

Funny mayonnaise

Lunchtime. I'm taking something very hot and very tomato saucy out of the microwave.

Eva:  “Dad, is that mayonnaise for your lunch?”
Dad:  “Eva, of course it's not. It's chili!”

Big orange


Eva:  “Dad, is this a biggest orange ever?”
Dad:  “Eva, it's a grapefruit.”
Eva:  “Oh. I love grapefroo.”
Dad:  “Really? A second ago you didn't even know what it was.”

Sharing food


Dad:  “What does "being related mean"?”
Eva:  “It means you can share food with that person.”

Cream cheese


Eva:  “Dad, what is this?”
Dad:  “Cream cheese.”
Eva:  “Is that the same as fillidelfida?”

Marshmallow tree


*While helping mom plant a fruit tree outside*

Eva:  “Does this tree grow marshmallows?”

Germs are bad for your heart


Dad:  “Eva-Rose, why do we have to wash our vegetables before we eat.”
Eva:  “Because they won't taste nice.”
Dad:  “Yes, because there are germs on them. Germs can make you sick.”
Eva:  “Yeah, they can make your heart stop beeping.”

Coca-Rola

Eva-Rose:  “Can I leave strawberry popcorn and Coca-Rola for the reindeer.”

Boiler up the backside

Tom:  “If Santa tries to come down our chimney (actually a boiler exhaust) and the fire is on, will he be dead?”

Auntie mother-in-law


Tom:  “Our Aunt is coming on Christmas because she is family.”
Eva:  “She's NOT family?!”
Dad:  “Yes she is, she's part of our extended family.”
Tom:  “Yeah, she's your mother-in-law. Isn't she dad?”
Dad:  “Sister. Sister-in-law Tom.”

Better not tell her about this one.

Santa writing


Tom:  “Wow, Santa sure uses fancy writing on the gift tags.  How much writing can he do?  I think he can do Comic Sans, Courier New and Times New Roman.”

Ruby the Red-nosed reindeer


Mom:  “Kids, do you want to go to Winter Wonderland in Telford for Xmas?”
Tom:  “Will we see Prancer and Dancer?”
Eva:  “And Ruby?”
Mom:  “Who?”
Eva:  “Ruby the red-nosed reindeer.”
Mom:  “It's Rudolph.”
Tom:  “I don't think he's real. I've never seen him.”

Poo wisdom

We're walking to school


Tom:  “I've walked past three piles of dog poo. One big one, one little one and one diarrhea one.”
Eva:  “Daddy, little dogs can't do big poos cuz they're only little, but big dogs can cuz they're big.”

Justin Bieber is a dog


Eva:  “Some people look like Justin Bieber, even dogs.”

Penguin, meet bear

Eva:  “Penguins live at the North Pole.  Polar bears live, uh, I don't know where they live. But they only ever meet in a zoo.”

All rats go to heaven


*Jerry, our pet rat has died*

Eva-Rose:  “When will his bones go up in the sky?”
Mom:  “Don't you mean his soul?”
Eva-Rose:  “When can we get a fish?”

Grey hand


*In the park*

Eva:  “Oooh, a poodle.”
Dad:  “That's right Eva.  Do you know what that other dog is?”
Eva:  “A thin dog.”
Dad:  “It's a greyhound.”
Eva:  “Oh, a grey hand. I wish we had one.”

Chicken poo

Eva:  Poo doesn't come out of a chicken's bottom. Eggs do.

Turkeys vs. Chickens


Mom:  “How can you tell the difference between a turkey and a chicken?”
Tom:  “A turkey has eye brows...”

Rhyming slang

Eva:  “I want a sheep dog.  And a sheep cat.  And a sheep rat.  Sheep and rat rhyme.

What belly buttons do

Eva:  “I know why I have a belly button.  Because I was attached to mommy's belly.  I was in the middle and next to something gooey.”

No kissing

Tom:  “I don't want to get married because I'd have to kiss the girl at the wedding and that would be embarrassing.  I'd just want to get it over with.”

Was that sex?


*While watching the movie, The Duchess, during a 'suggestive' bit*

Eva:  “Did they just have sex?”
Mom:  “Eva, that's not a nice thing to say.”
Dad:  “Eva, you don't even know what having sex is.”
Eva:  “Yes I do. It's when grown ups take off their clothes and say 'Mmmm’ ”

Babies are waiting


Eva:  “Do I already have babies sat waiting in my tummy.”
Tom:  “No, Eva. You have eggs sat waiting....and I have testicles sat waiting.”

Where babies come from


Tom:  “Mom, what's the stuff in your testicles that makes babies?”
Mom:  “It's called sperm.”
Tom:  “Oh. I thought it was called sperth.”

Old age


Eva:  “Mom, you're older than dad so you'll be an old granny before he is. “
Dad:  “Eva, I will never be a granny. “
Mom:  “Eva, when I'm a granny, daddy will be a granddad too. “
Eva:  “And mom will die first.  But dad will die two days later. Then you'll be together...in the ground

Can't have enough trampolines

Eva:  "Can I have a trampoline for my birthday? Then we'll have two and Tommy and I won't have to fight over our one trampoline. "

Hair insulation


*In the cold weather this morning:

Eva: "Dad, you don't get cold cuz you're hairy.  The dog doesn't get cold cuz he's REALLY hairy. "
Watching a TV show where one of the characters can shrink.

Dad: Do you think someone could really shrink like that?
Eva: No, only clothes can shrink.

Sausage dog

Watching TV.

Eva: Look Dad, there's a sausage dog.
Dad: Why are they called that?  Are they made of sausages?
Eva: No, that's just the shape they are.
Dad: Okay, so what ARE dogs made of?
Eva: They're made of dog material.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Revenge of the Dinosoids

Watching the film, Jurassic Park

Eva: Oh no, they'd better run away from the dinosoids.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

God shaped

We're walking the dog.

Eva: Dad, did you know God's in all of us?
Dad: Is he?
Eva: Yes. (She points to the dog) He's even in pets.
Dad: Oh?
Eva: Only then, he's pet-shaped.

Most famous reindeer of all

It's Christmas time.

Eva: Do you know which one is my favourite reindeer? Rudolph.
Mom: Oh ya?
Eva: And my next favourites are Prancer and Cupid.
Mom: I see.
Eva: And my less favourite is Tinkerbell.
Mom: Tinkerbell isn't a reindeer Eva.

Cuddle bears

Eva: Mom, what are them things that cuddle trees?
Mom: What.
Eva: You know, the bears from Australia?
Mom: Koala bears?
Eva: Yeah.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

A bug's life

Tom: Dad, where are all the bugs in the winter.
Dad: Lots of them find places to sleep during the winter.  But many of them just die.
Tom: Why do they die?
Dad: Because bugs don't live very long.  Some live weeks, others only for days.
Tom: Well that's not fair.
Dad: That's life.

Jesus was a foreigner

Dad: Eva, where was Jesus born?
Eva: In a cot?
Dad: Where was the cot?
Eva: In a manger.
Dad: But where was the manger?
Eva: In Bethlehem.
Dad: And where is Bethlehem?
Eva: It's in a different country.  Most things are in a different country.

Christmas Socking

Unpacking the Christmas decorations

Eva: Dad, can we hang my Christmas socking?
Dad: It's a stocking Eva

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Death talking

Tom: There's someone at school who talks funny.
Dad: Lots of people have different voices and they might sound funny.
Eva: Yeah, like dead people.
Dad: Eva, I think you mean deaf people. Dead people don't talk at all.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Laundry sugar

I'm putting clothes in the washing machine.

Eva: Can I help?
Dad: Uh, okay.  Can you put the clothes in?
Eva: Can I also put the sugar in?
Dad: That's washing powder Eva, not sugar.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Musical brothers

We're listening to music.

Dad: Tom, this is your Uncle's favourite singer, Alan Jackson.
Tom: Oh, is he Michael Jackson's brother.
Dad: Uh, no.

Friday, 16 November 2012

Gin is its own food group

Dad: Look everyone, I got presents.
Eva: Yay, what did you get us?
Dad: Well, a bottle of wine for mommy. A case of Budweiser for Tom and a bottle of gin for you Eva.
Eva: I don't eat gin.

Don't lie about brushing teeth

Dad: Eva, did you brush your teeth?
Eva: Yes.
Dad: I don't believe you.
Eva: I just said I did.
Dad: I don't believe you.  You often lie.
Eva: Yeah, but I don't lie about brushing my teeth.

Friday, 9 November 2012

Don't waste your blood

Mom's going out for a bit.

Eva: Mom, where are you going?
Mom: I'm going to the blood donor clinic to give blood.
Eva: Why?
Mom: Because sometimes other people get hurt and need my blood.
Eva: I don't think you should waste your blood like that.

Chicken fish

We're eating supper.

Tom: Dad, what kind of fish is this?
Dad: It's chicken.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Pumpkin seaweed

We're carving the Hallowe'en pumpkin.

Eva: Dad, there sure is a lot of seaweed inside this pumpkin.
Dad: It's not seaweed.  Seaweed comes from the sea.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Crack knocker!

Kids are eating peanuts. They're having trouble peeling the shells off.

Tom: Some of these are hard to open, and there are no peanuts inside.
Dad: It happens.
Eva: Dad, can we have the crack knocker?
Dad: Crack knocker?  Do you mean the nut cracker?
Eva: Yeah.

Friday, 12 October 2012

Funeral anthem

There has been a death in the family. I've told the kids.

Tom: Will they play the national anthem at the funeral?
Dad: No Tom, they'll sing sad funeral songs.
Eva: Like (sings), "Somebody died, somebody died".
Dad: No Eva. That's a bit too in-your-face.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Spiders on my mind

Tom: Ewwwww dad, a spider!
Dad: It's not bothering you, why are you so panicked about spiders all of a sudden?
Tom: Because I can feel them crawling all over my back.
Dad: Doubt it. I think it's in your head.
Tom: Dad! Don't say that, there aren't any spiders in my head.
Dad: Sigh, that's not what I meant.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Peeling cans

Eva wants a can of ravioli for lunch.

Eva: Dad, can I peel it?
Dad: Peel what?
Eva: The can, can I use that thing to peel the can?
Dad: You don't really call it "peeling" a can.  And no, you cannot.

It's a disaster

We're cleaning Tom's room.  It looks like a bomb has gone off.

Eva: Tom, your room is a deeyasaster.
Dad: You mean disaster? And yes it is.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

What are these supposed to be?

We're eating dinner.  Eva has mushrooms left on her place.  She spears one with her fork and points it at me.

Eva: What are these SUPPOSED to be?
Dad:  They're supposed to be, and they are, mushrooms.  And you're SUPPOSED to eat them.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Grandpa shoes

Tom has new school shoes on.

Tom: Dad, look, I'm wearing old grandpa shoes like you.
Dad: Grandpa shoes huh?
Tom: And you've got the same trousers on. You're copying me.

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Against the Lord

Mom: Oh, that's the kind of car I had at my wedding.
Tom: When you married Dad or when you married Zac's dad?
Eva: You married two mans? That's against the Lord.
Mom: I didn't marry them both at the same time!

Presto change-o

Eva: Mom, how do you change into a cat?

Thursday, 30 August 2012

If it ain't broke

Channel 4 is covering the Paralympics

Eva: Wow, the Olympics are still on... for broken people.
Mom: Eva, it's the Paralympics.  It's for disabled people...not broken people.
Eva: Oh.

Use protection

The grown-ups are joking about condoms.

Tom: I know what a condom is.
Dad: Really?  What is it then.
Tom: It means, "the testicles of a man".
Dad: Not quite.  When you're a bit older, I'll explain it to you.

Thursday, 23 August 2012

Give the gift of hobo booze

A hard off gentlemen is walking down the street carrying an almost empty bottle of strong alcoholic cider.

Dad: Kids, that's a shame that the man is so dependent on alcohol that's got a bottle of cider at 8 am.
Tom: Maybe it's not for him.  It could be a gift/
Dad: You think he's going to give a 3/4 drunk bottle of cheap booze to someone else as a present?
Tom: Yes.
Dad: Don't ever get me a present like that!

Cat food

Making lunch.  We've run out of ham slices, so I've taken the canned ham out of the pantry.

Dad: Kids, there are no ham slices left. We'll have this instead?
Eva: Ewwww, it looks like cat food!
Dad: Well it's not.  Cat food is expensive, I'd never feed that to you.
Eva: It's go the same jelly on it as cat food.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Talking to God

Dad: Eva, we're going to the park. You can't wear that necklace. It's not safe.
Eva: I'm wearing it because I was talking to God upstairs.

Dad: Oh really?

Eva: Yeah. I was saying (whispers), "God, I wish you a Merry Christmas".

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Meat nuggets

We're eating a meat feast pizza.

Eva: Can I have the piece with nuggets on it?
Dad: What nuggets?
Eva: (points) Those things.
Dad: You mean meatballs?

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Kingdonga!

We're watching the nature channel.

Dad: Wow, look how big that lizard is!
Tom: Is that a kingdonga dragon?
Dad: What?  You mean a komodo dragon?
Tom: Yeah, a komodo dragon.
Dad: No it's neither of those.  It's a monitor lizard.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Tell you friend inter-racial marriages are now legal

Eva: Dad, is it okay for a peach-coloured person like me to marry a brown person?
Dad: Yeah, it's okay. Why?
Eva: Cuz my friend said it was illegal.
Dad: Well it's not.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

Monster Squad

Kids are playing Just Dance 2.  The Monster Mash is featured with a dancer dressed up like Frankenstein's monster.

Eva: Eww, there's rats falling off him.
Tom: Of course Eva, he's been dead in a coffin.  He's Dracula right dad?
Dad: No Tom, it's Frankenstein's monster.
Tom: But Frankenstein is Dracula's son isn't he?
Dad: No, he's not.
Tom: So who's Dracula's son?
Dad: How the heck should I know?
Eva: I think he's a zombie.
Dad: (sigh) He's Frankenstein's monster.  Not a zombie at all.

The eye...of the tiger or not

Eva: Why is there a song called Eye of the Tiger?
Dad: It's a song about rising up to a challenge.  Doing something difficult like staring straight into a tiger's eyes.
Eva: So did the singer stare at a tiger?
Dad: No Eva, the song is a metaphor.
Tom: I'd stare at a shark.  That's even more dangerous.  They should have called it Eye of the Shark.
Dad: (sigh) It's a metaphor kids. A metaphor.

Shaken, not stirred

Kids are watching a movie.  There's a lot of gun shots and explosions going on.

Mom: What are you kids watching.  It doesn't sound appropriate for kids.
Eva: It's fine mom don't worry.
Mom: What is it then?
Eva: It's just James Blond.
Mom: Bond, James Bond.

Friday, 10 August 2012

Spider cup

Eva: Can I have a drink of water please?
Mom: Yes, here you are.
Eva: (bursts into tears).
Mom: What's wrong now?
Eva: That's the cup we catch spiders with.
Mom: (laughs out loud).

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Punch up

I hear the kids talking about punching.

Dad: No one better punch anyone.
Eva: Were not. I'm singing a song... (starts rapping) "Punch up the jam."
Dad: Eva, it's "Pump up the jam." And where the hell did you here that song? It's 20 years old.

Monday, 30 July 2012

Take a message

I'm bathing a very dirty dog.

Eva: Dad, someone has called on the phone, here it is.
Dad: Eva, did you notice I'm a bit busy.  Take a message.
Eva: What's that?
Dad: Ask who's calling.
Eva: (into the phone)  Who is talking? (hangs up).
Dad: Who was it?
Eva: I don't know. It starts with a "k".

World of the chimpanzees

Eva: Mom can I watch World of the Chimpanzees?
Mom: I've never heard of that show.
Eva: It's a film.
Mom: Um, do you mean Planet of the Apes?
Eva: Yeah.

Pull the rope

Tom: Were you alive when Elvis Presley was?
Dad: No Tom, I missed him by a year.
Tom: Did he dance like this? (he does some crazy random moves).
Dad: I don't think so.
Tom: Did he do "pull the rope"  (mimes pulling an invisible rope).
Dad: Definitely not.

There was a young boy who swallowed a tooth

Tom: Dad, look, I lost a tooth. But I accidentally swallowed it.
Dad: That's not clever.
Tom: I'll poo it out. But probably not today.
Dad: I hope it comes out, or you could die.
Tom: Really?
Dad: Probably.

Silky shorts

At swimming lessons.

Dad: Tom, are you sure those are swimming shorts? They look like underpants.
Tom: They're not underpants. Feel them, they're silky.
Dad: We're in a change room. I'm not feeling your shorts. And silky says "underpants" to me.

Look at me when I'm swimming

Swimming lessons about to start.

Tom: I can swim faster than that kid.
Dad: Don't tell me, show me.
Tom: I try. I shout at you when I'm in the pool, but you're looking at your phone and have your headphones in.
Dad: Uh, ahh. Well, I do look, so make sure you're swimming fast when I do.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Land of the rising sun

We're watching the Olympics.

Tom: Wow, bow and arrow.  Who is competing?
Dad: Russia and Japan
Tom: Are the Japanians winning?
Dad: Yes...and they're Japanese...not Japanians.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Alien resistance to bodily harm

Eva: Dad, if you get stabbed, could you die?
Dad: Yes you can, from losing too much blood.
Eva: Would an alien die?
Dad: Eva, how am I supposed to know that?  I've never stabbed an alien.

X-Files

Eva: Dad, who is that man who works on the TV show?
Dad: What are you on about?
Eva: You know, the one who works with the police.
Dad: There are a lot of police shows.
Eva: He works with Scully.
Dad: Oh, Agent Mulder.
Eva: Oh ya.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Olympic snowman

Tom: How are the winter Olympics different than the summer Olympics?
Mom: The hint to answering that is in the name. What kind of events do you think would be at the Winter Olympics?
Tom: Building snowmen?
Eva: Snowball fights?
Tom: Playing volleyball on skates?

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Hoppity hop

Walking to school.  There's dog excrement everywhere.

Dad: Damn dog poo everwhere.  I hope these dogs crap all over their irresponsible owners' stuff.
Eva: Yeah, it's like poo hopscotch down this parth.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Snail gloves

Eva: Dad, you can pick up snails by their shells.
Dad: Snails carry germs. You shouldn't pick them up at all.
Tom: Yeah Eva, you can only pick them up if you're a chef in France, wearing gloves, and you're gonna bake them. Right Dad?
Dad: Definitely.
Tom: But you'll have to learn French.

Friend to slugs

Eva: I want to be friendly to slugs and snails. So I won't step on them.
Dad: Oh, that's good.
Eva: Yeah, because they want to live.

Monday, 2 July 2012

Musical cars

At the book store.

Dad: Tom, this book is cool, what do you think?
Tom: Musical cars? What are they?
Dad: Muscle. It's muscle cars.

Who you gonna call?

At the toy store.

Dad: Look kids, a talking Marshmallow Man doll. I'll squeeze him.

Music starts playing. I sing.

Dad: There's something strange in your neighbourhood. Who you gonna call? Eva?

Eva: Scooby Doo?

Dad: NO!

Friday, 22 June 2012

Monkey bites

Watching a film.  Mom is carrying a child tightly.

Mom:  Aww, she's clinging on like a little monkey.
Tom: Not really.  A monkey would bite her face off.

Friday, 15 June 2012

Gods of 1971

Watching a movie about Zeus, Perseus, etc.

Dad: Tom, with all these gods, where do you think this movie is set?
Tom: Afghanistan? In 1971?
Dad: No Tom. Greece. About 4000 years ago.

Growing fish

Eva: Mom, we're planting seeds at school.
Mom: What kinds of seeds?
Eva: Beans, lettuce and tuna. But how the hell do you grow tuna?
Mom: Do you mean petunias?
Eva: Oh ya.

Let's talk about sex

Mom: Have a good day at school kids, gives me a kiss.
Dad: (to Mom) Where's my kiss?
Tom: Dad, come on! We don't want to hear any sexual talk.

Rain cubes

Eva: Mom, you know when rain falls when it's hard, they're like rain cubes.
Mom: That's hail Eva.

Eva: I know it's hail. My friend calls them rain cubes.

Dad: Your "friend" huh?

Friday, 8 June 2012

Dog walk attire

What Eva put on when I said we were walking the dog.


Phew, we know what she looks like.

Mom's away on a business trip.

Eva: Phew, we still know what mom looks like because there's a photo of her here.
Dad: You needed a photo to remind you?
Eva: Yeah. I hope she remembers what we look like.

Ring ring - And now, our life story

The land line rings. Eva: Hello...no, she's not here...she's in Canada looking for a job to see if we'll live there...she might be back on Thursday...bye. Dad: Eva, who was that? Eva: Just some lady who asked if mom was home so I told her she'd be back later. Dad: Sounded like you shared more than that. Maybe we don't need to share that much information with a stranger when they phone.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Be free feet

Tom's common "let your feet hang free" sleeping position.


Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Ouch, that stings

At holiday club, collecting the kids.  There is lightning and thunder outside.

Dad: Kids, let’s hurry up, the weather is getting worse.
Some kid: Yeah Tom, hurry up, or you’ll get stung by lightning.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Illegal marriage

Eva:  I know why you can't marry your brother.
Dad: Why is that?
Eva: Because it's on the law.
Dad: I think you mean against the law.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

I shall call you, "Jacob"

Eva: Mom, you should call Tom, "Jacob".
Mom: Why?
Eva: Because Tom and Mom rhyme. I call Tom and you answer. If I call you, Tom answers. It's confusing.
Mom: His name is Tom. End of.
Tom: Who is Jacob?

Friday, 1 June 2012

Learning

Tom: Why was that boy on the bus by himself?
Dad: He's going to school.
Tom: By himself!?
Dad: I did by myself when I was younger.
Eva: Because you listened? I'm learning to listen. Can I take the bus to school?

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Dogs don't wear clothes

Once again, a rush to get to school on time.

Dad: Eva, why does it take you so long in the morning to get ready?  I showered and walked the dog before you even got dressed!
Eva: Well it's because the dog doesn't have to get dressed.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Six pack

Listening to LMFAO's Sexy and I Know It.

Tom: Dad is my body better than yours?
Dad: What?  Depends what you mean by "better".
Tom: I'm growing a six pack.
Dad: Oh you are?
Tom: Yeah, the lines are forming.... does a six pack go over or under your belly button?

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Ignorance of the law

Dad: Eva, if you considered your actions, you wouldn't be in so much trouble. You need to listen.
Eva: I don't even know what some of those words mean, so how am I supposed to listen?

Paved with good intentions

Running late for dance lessons. Kids are dawdling. I'm shouting. Eva is forcing some crocodile tears.

Dad: Crying isn't going to help. Just be quicker.
Eva: You're making me cry.
Dad: You're making yourself cry.
Eva: Well, I'm trying to have good intentions!

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Jubilee

Eva: The Queen's Jubilee party is this weekend.
Dad: That's nice. Do you know what a Jubilee is?
Eva: No.
Dad: It's the anniversary of the Queen's coronation. Do you know what a coronation is?
Eva: A party?

Crazy Frog

We're watching Beverly Hills Cop. The Axel F theme song comes on.

Eva: Hey, it's the Crazy Frog song!

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Beverly Hills Cop

Most kids watch Disney movies when you say to put on a DVD. I walk into the living room and mine are watching Beverly Hills Cop.

"Get the f*** outta here" - Eddie Murphy.

Long shelf life

Tom: When were you born? 1950?
Dad: No Tom.
Tom: 1972? 
Dad: No. I've told you before when I was born.
Tom: 1765?
Dad: I'd be almost 250 years old!

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Kooky

Eva: Dad, look at that little car over there.
Dad:  Oh yeah, I see it.
Eva: Is a Mini Kooker?
Dad: No Eva.  It's called a Mini Cooper.

http://www.mini.co.uk/model-range/hatch/mini-cooper

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Cardiac Claus

Tom: Santa Claus is really old isn't he? How is that possible?
Dad: Well, he was a very good man who became a Saint. God made him special so he could keep giving presents to kids.
Tom: Could he still die of a heart attack?

Infinity bullets

Tom: Dad, how come pistols never run out of bullets.
Dad: They do run out.
Tom: Well machine guns don't because on that game there's those two circles.
Dad: The infinity symbol? It's not real life Tom! You can't magic up infinity bullets.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Moon Sand

This stuff is a disaster.  All the negatives of play dough, none of the positives.
Posted by Picasa

All you wanted to know about owls

Eva: Mom, did you know owls can turn their heads all the way around?
Tom: Can they?
Eva: And when owls eat mice they spit out the eye balls and skeletons. But they keep the skin and the bits inside.  Also, they eat other owls and they keep the beaks as spares.
Mom: Wow Eva, that's very interesting.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Irrelevant

Tom: Mom, if we go to Canada will we visit our relevants?
Mom: I think you mean relatives?
Tom: Oh ya.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Aw nuts

Dad: Eva, how do emails get from my phone to mom's?
Eva: Uh, uh...
Tom: (whispers) the internet.
Eva: Oh ya, the internut.
Dad: I see. What is the internut then?
Eva: Uh, uh... I'm not telling you.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Vampire school

Eva: Mom, in Twilight, when Bella has the vampire baby will it have to go to vampire school?
Mom: There is no vampire school.  It will go to a regular school and have to keep a low profile.
Eva: So it will just go to school with random people?
Tom: What's a low profile?

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Go team go!

Mom is reading the Easter story to Eva. Has recounted how two others joined Jesus on crosses.

Eva: Were they all on the same team?
Mom: No Eva, they were crucified for breaking the laws.
Eva: What is crucified?
Mom: Have you even been listening to the story so far?

Monday, 7 May 2012

Bearded monkey

Eva:  “Dad, you look like a monkey with your beard.”

Bearded lady

Eva:  “When I grow up I want a pretend beard that looks like Dad's. Then I'll be a girl moustache lady.”

Chew with your ears closed


Eva:  “Mom, when Dad eats, his ears move up and down. Mine don't.”
Mom:  “I guess you take after me then.”

Blow your top


Tom:  “I don't want to go on holiday anywhere there is a volcano.”
Eva:  “Volcanoes have fire water in them. ”
Mom:  “It's called lava Eva. ”
Eva:  “I've flown into a volcano before. On the Wii."

Don't need an excuse to party



Eva:  “Mom, I've been invited to my friend Rihanna's for a party.”
Mom:  “I've not seen an invite.”
Tom:  “She's already had a birthday party, so what's this one for?”
Eva:  (sarcastically) “I don't know Tom, I'll see when I get there.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Always room for dessert

Mom: Eva, do you have room for cake?
Eva: Oh ya! I have room right here.

*Eva draws outline, high on her chest*

Mom: So you have room in your lung do you? Your stomach is down there.

Fusion of tastes

At the café in the mall. Eva has a ham and cheese panini.

Eva: Mom, I don't like this. I'm only getting a taste of ham, cheese, and bread.
Mom: That's exactly what you asked for in your sandwich! What other tastes were you expecting?

Everybody was kung fu fighting

Two very small dogs are play fighting in the field.

Eva: Wow, can we teach our dog to do karate like that?

Mmmm. Gravy

Woman is walking her dog, about 50 metres away.

Woman: Daisy, Daisy! Come here Daisy.
Eva: Dad, that's a good name for a dog, Gravy.
Dad: Daisy, Eva. The dog's name was Daisy.

Agassi vs Sampras

As we walk through the park, Eva spots tennis courts.

Eva: Look dad, a tennis place.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Night night, don't let the...

Eva: At bedtime, my friend's mom says to her, "Good night, don't let the worms pop out".
Mom: I think you mean, "don't let the bed bugs bite".
Eva: No, worms. Cuz they wriggle. That's how they come out.

Dip in the pool

Eva: I wish we had a pool in the back garden.
Mom: Under a nice big conservatory to keep the rain out.
Dad: It would be very expensive.
Tom: Yeah, like a billion pounds.
Dad: Probably more like a hundred thousand.
Eva: What if we just had a cacuzzi?
Mom: Yes a cacuzzi would be be nice. But it's called a jacuzzi. 

The Death Star is fully operational

*Watching Star Wars, Ep IV*

Tom: Why are those Stormtroopers shooting at Han Solo?  He's not done anything.
Dad: He's offering a lift to Luke and Obiwan who have the Death Star plans.
Tom: What plans?
Dad: Are we watching the same movie?  The plans the rebels will use to destroy the Death Star. The plans that everyone has been talking about since the start! 
Eva: Why do they need plants?
Dad: PLANS!  Arrrggh!

Poo poo not allowed

The sign on Eva's door:

"Dad and mom and Zac and Eva can cum in. Tommy is poo poo.


Thursday, 26 April 2012

Ear protection

Eva: Dad, sunglasses protect your eyes from the sun don't they?
Dad: Yes they do.
Eva: They also protect your ears.. Because there is a bit that sits on your ears.
Dad: Not quite Eva.

Staring at the sun

Tom: Wow the sun is bright. Good thing I'm wearing sunglasses so I can see it.
Dad: Tom, you NEVER stare at the sun. It will hurt your eyes.
Tom: But why?
Eva: Because it's a ball of fire Tom!

Muscle car

Out walking.

Tom: Does that car have a five litre engine?
Dad: That car? It's a Nissan Micra! Of course it doesn't. Five litre engines are in cars like on Smokey and the Bandit.
Tom: Oh ya.

Carrot poo

Out walking

Dad: Watch out for that dog poo.
Eva: Ewww. Looks like there were carrots in it. That dog must have been allergic to carrots.
Dad: Eva, it's not an allergy when you pass food through your digestive system.
Tom: Yeah Eva. Eva If the dog WAS allergic to carrots, he'd have spots on his bum.

Cry baby

Out walking.

Eva: What's that noise? It sounds like a crying baby.
Dad: I think it's a cat squealing at another cat.
Eva: It could be a baby couldn't it?
Dad: Coming from the top of that garden shed? Don't think so.
Eva: Could be a cat baby.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Dog pee

*Out walking. Dogs are about*

Eva: When our dog pees he stands up, but he lifts his leg a little. That dog just bends down and keeps four legs on the ground.
Tom: Because our dog is a man. That dog is a lady.
Eva: Oh ya, we have a man dog.

Ah, bless

*Eva sneezes... A-a-achoo*

Eva: Bless you, me.
Dad: Eva, you say excuse me.
Eva: Oh.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Turtle club

The school asks kids to do "turtle" when they get frustrated. It involves some arm folding and self reflection.
I can't help but think of the movie, "Master of Disguise" whenever Eva says she had to do "turtle".

Btw, the link above is clickable if you wanna see what I mean.

Slim shady

*School has impractical security gate. We usually wait ages for buzzer to be answered *

Dad: Eva, slip between the bars because you're so small and open the gate from the other side.

*Eva slips through. It's very Mission Impossible*

Tom: Dad, we'll have to stop feeding her so she stays skinny enough to do that.

Crank it up

* Eating dinner.  Tom is making a show of how hard he's having to use his knife*

Tom: Ugh, aarrgh!  This is hard to cut.  Ow, I have a bad crank.  Ow crank, crank.
Dad: I think you mean cramp. And can we tone down the drama? It's just a piece of chicken.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Tom, I am your father!

*Kids are watching Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (again) with Mom*

Tom: Mom, why has Obiwan left Anakin to catch on fire (Tom starts getting a bit upset).
Mom: Well, Anakin had become angry and part of the dark side.

*Scene jumps to Padme dying giving birth*

Tom: Why is Padme dying?
Mom: Because she senses what happened to Anakin and she's dying of a broken heart.

*Tom bursts into tears*

Tom: Mom, why does Padme have to die of a broken heart?
Eva: Tom, what are you cryin' for?

*He continues sobbing.  Mom later says it's probably a good thing Dad wasn't in the room*

Monday, 16 April 2012

Real espanol

Eva: Mom, I can count to 10 in Spanish.
Mom: I know you can. You must have a good Spanish teacher.
Eva: She is a "real" Spanish teacher.
Mom: Oh ya? Is she from Spain?
Eva: I don't know.  But she's brown. The other Spanish teacher is from England.  She just knows stuff.

My dog is better than that dog

*While out walking the dog*

Eva: Mom, look at that little dog.  I bet our dog can run faster.

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Aye Chihuahua!

Dad: Eva, look at that little dog.
Eva: Is it a Husky dog?
Dad: Uh no Eva.  A Husky is very large.  That's a Chihuahua.

She couldn't find two dogs at further ends of the size spectrum if she tried.
Ironically, later in the day she saw a Husky and correctly identified it.

Billiams of steps

Eva is counting while walking.

Dad: Eva, what are you counting?
Eva: My steps. I'm up to a billiam.
Dad: It's 'billion' Eva.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

I want to be a billionaire

Tom: Dad, how come there are millionaires and billionaires, but there are no qazillionaires and infinity-aires?
Dad: Because no one person has ever earned that much money. And trillionaire is the next level.
Tom: I'll earn a trillion pounds, when I'm a popstar.

Saint Thomas

Tom: Dad, how do you become a Saint?  Do you have to fight someone?
Dad: No Tom. You have to perform a miracle and then the Pope makes you a saint.
Tom: What's a pope?
Dad: The head of the Catholic Church.
Tom: I'm going to be Catholic then, so I can be Saint Thomas.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Flying car

Eva: Mom, I wish cars could fly. Then you could see the whole town.

Skeleton privates

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, I found the skeleton's privates.
Mom: Eva, it's called the pubic bone.

Skeleton eyes

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, look here (she points to eye sockets).  This is where God puts your eyeballs.

Skeleton eyes

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, look here (she points to eye sockets).  This is where God puts your eyeballs.

Monday, 9 April 2012

Who hates treasure?

The usual argument about which DVD to watch.

Eva: I want to watch Mamma Mia!
Tom: I want to watch Tintin!
Dad: Eva, we've seen Mamma Mia a million times.  Why don't we watch Tintin for 10 minutes to see if we like it.  It's a cartoon about a treasure hunt.
Eva: I hate cartoons.  And I hate treasure.

Since when Eva?  Since when?

All packed up and ready to go

* We are preparing for an upcoming holiday.  I examine the suitcase I left to Tom to pack *

Dad: We'll be gone for a few days, you might need more than one pair of trousers and one shirt.

(I sniff his clothes).

Dad: Plus, these are dirty!  Put these in the laundry!

Dark matter

Eva: Mom, because it's wet and muddy out, I have a good idea. 
Mom: What's your idea then?
Eva: I'm going to wear these dark clothes so that if I splash mud on them it won't show.

Brilliant.  So dark clothes stay perpetually clean by means of an optical illusion?


Friday, 6 April 2012

Get some nuts

* Tom and Eva are playing rougher than they should be *

Eva: Ouch Tom.  You hurt my nuts!
Dad: EVA-ROSE!  One, don't say that, it's not a nice word.  And two, you don't have nuts.

Keep your bum tidy

* Tom walks in on me in the bathroom as I'm wiping my bottom *

Tom: Dad, you have poo hanging from your bum!
Dad: Tom, that's why I'm wiping my bum!  Get out of here!
(I wipe vigorously to remove the offending poo before pulling up my undies).
Tom: Ewww, the poo is still there and it's fallen into your pants!
Dad: (I look in my pants). Tom, it's butt fluff for God's sake, not poo.  Get out of here!

Clearly my butt fluff is substantial!  Rivaled only by my navel fluff.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

One child predicted

Eva: Mom, when I'm older, I will have one child.
Mom: Only one?
Eva: *Show Mom one of the creases on her palm*. See, this line goes deeper down, so it means I will have on child.
Dad: I recommend you have no children!

Jesus versus Easter Bunny

* Kids can see I have chocolate eggs in the shopping bag *

Eva: Dad, did you get chocolate eggs?
Dad: No I didn't.  The Easter Bunny is going to bring some.
Tom: I believe in Jesus, but I don't believe in the Easter Bunny.
Eva: I believe in the Easter Bunny!

You gotta be in it to win it

* Mom is scratching a lottery ticket.  It's not looking good. *

Eva: Mom, did you win?
Mom: Unfortunately no.
Eva: Maybe someone else won then.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

I pronounce you dog and wife

*While walking our dog past another*

Eva: When our dog and that other dog are older, if they're still alive, they might hold hands and lick eachother's bellies. Then they'll be married.

If only licking ladies' bellies worked for humans.

Ain't no woman can ride a motorcycle

*Someone has dumped a rusty motorcycle in the park*

Eva: Probably a man dumped that motorcycle there because girls can't ride motorcycles. Well, they can, but they have to practice.  Mans already know how to ride motorcycles.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Loosen that belt

Eva: I ate sooooo much food today. My belt is blocking me.

She then proceeds to free herself from the confines of her shiny red belt which is purely for fashion purposes.

He will bonnet you

*I'm describing to Mom a situation where someone got "bollocked"*

Tom: What is a bollock?
Mom: In this case, it's slang for getting in trouble. It's not nice to say.
Eva: Yeah, I would get in trouble if I said bonnet.  Is that the right word?
Dad: If it's not nice to say Eva, then don't worry about saying it right.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Fire-starter

*Eva is banging two sticks together*

Eva: Dad, rubbing sticks is how my friend and I start a fire. Well, a pretend fire. But then we turn the pretend fire into a real fire. Well, a pretend real fire.

Better out than in

*While at the dinner table*

Eva: Mom, if you're allergic to good, you can either sick it out, or poo it out.
Mom: Better to sick it out I think.

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Shoelaces for sale


In the locker room at the gym

Tom:  “Dad, look. Someone's shoelace is hanging out of this locker. Someone could cut it off and steal it.”
Dad:  “Tom, why would someone steal part of a shoelace?”
Tom:  “To sell it. Or use it as part of another shoelace.”

Slow and steady wins the shave


Dad: Tom, did you notice I shaved myself a moustache today?
Tom: Yes.  And there are no cuts on your face. Did you shave cautiously and thoroughly?
Dad: It would seem so

Breast is best

*It's early morning.  I'm shirtless and hunched over petting the dog*

Tom: Haha Dad, you have moobs.
Eva: And they're shaking when you pet the dog.

Kids then proceed to poke and prod my moobs. I don't like it.

Dog hands

Eva: Tom, I closed your bedroom door so the dog wouldn't go in.  But he might be able to open it with his dog hands.

Bubble gum swearing

*We're walking. I'm popping bubble gum bubbles*

Tom: How the hell do you do that dad?
Dad: Tom, don't say the word "hell".
Tom: I don't even know what it means.
Dad: Sure you don't.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Forget it

Eva: Dad, my toothbrush has runned out of battery and doesn't spin anymore. One day, when you forget, can you put more batteries in it?

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Watch where you point your testicles

Eva: Mom, look I made a caterpillar out of these balloons. (Puts her hands to her forehead) And these are his testicles.
Mom: Eva, I think you mean, tentacles.

You're both wrong, dad knows they're actually called antennae.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Polident. Life's little miracle.

Tom:  "It's funny how Nanny's fake teeth stick to her mouth."

Kaboom, you're dead from heart attack.


Eva:  Mom, will it be bonfire night on Nan's birthday?  Cuz if it is, she'll be scared, cuz she's old.

Age is relative


Nanny:  “Eva, how old are you now?”
Eva:  “I'm five now.”
Nanny:  “Oh my, you're catching me up.”
Eva:  “No I'm not Nanny.  You're old...and you have wrinkles.”

Can I upgrade my mobile?


Eva:  “Mom... I'd like a cranberry.”
Tom:  “Ha ha ha.  Eva it's a blackberry!”

Eyebrows, no longer a disability


Explaining loudly to our neighbour.

Eva: “I've got daddy's eyebrows, but it doesn't matter cuz Mommy has things to pull the hair out.”

You can tell by the dot on their heads


Mom:  “Kids, we're giving these shoeboxes full of Xmas gifts to charity for poor people in other countries.”
Tom:  “Are there poor people in China?”
Eva:  “Yes Tom, and they have this (pokes finger to middle of forehead).”
Mom:  “Eva, I think that's Indian people

Eh? What are you saying?


Tom:  “I know French. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Eva:  “I already know Tom. Those are Canada words.
Tom:  “Yeah I know it's Canadian talk.”

Viva la French!

Eva:  "Dad, you're in French. We're in different ones, England. "

A before B, except after W.


Dad:  “Tom, can you put these DVDs away in alphabetical order?”
Tom:  “I've got Fantastic Four, where is the "W"?”
Dad:  “There is no "W" in Fantastic Four.”
Tom:  “I know, but this one goes right after "W" because in the alphabet it goes W F Y Z.”
Dad:  “It's "X". Not "F".

Men and women. Different races?

Tom:  “A kid was racist to me at school.
Dad:  “Racist?  Really?
Tom:  “Yeah, he said "Hey, woman" to me.”
Dad:  “Tom, that's not racist.”

They'll never take...our FREEDOM!


Eva:  “My friend at school is named Caitlin. But her mom calls her (puts on Scottish accent) "Ketlin".
Tom:  “It's the same name Eva.”
Eva:  “I know Tom. It's just a different language.”
Tom:  “It's an accent Eva.”

Mathletes


Eva:  “Tom, I know what 12 add 12 is. It's 22.”
Tom:  “That's actually right Eva.”
Eva:  “I told you Tom. I know everything.”

Taking care of business

Eva:  Dad, Leroy the caretaker doesn't work at the school anymore.  We're gonna need a new Leroy.

I have a dream...


Eva:  “At school we learned that a man named King in a different country made kids switch schools if they had light skin and if they had dark skin.  Our family all has light skin so we'd go to the same school.
Tom:  “Yeah, it was Arthur Luther King.”
Mom:  “You mean Martin Luther King?”

Living abroad


Eva:  “I want to live with Grandma and Grandpa.”
Mom:  “Oh?”
Eva:  “You can come too.”

Luke, I am your department store window prop


At a clothing shop.

Tom:  “Dad, is that an Anakin?
Dad:  “Mannequin Tom. It's called a mannequin.

Natural tans are so much nicer


*Looking at a magazine cover*

Tom:  “Ewww. That girl used too much fake tan on her legs. They're black!”
Dad:  “She's wearing stockings Tom.”

Red bread


Dad:  “Tom, remind me when we get to the shop to get some bread.”
Tom:  “Some red?”
Dad:  “No, bread!”
Tom:  “Oh, I was thinking "What the hell is red?"
Dad:  “Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk from you.”

He must get that language from his mom

Stranger danger


Dad:  “Son, what do you say when a stranger asks you to help find his dog?”
Tom:  “No! Because he might want to hurt me.”
Dad:  “Good son.”
Dad:  Asks daughter similarly…“and if a stranger offers you candy?”
Eva:  Looking quite excited answers…“Please?”

Clearly I've still work to do in educating on stranger danger.

Naked phys ed.


Dad:  “Kids, don't forget to bring home your phys ed. clothes because it's the last day of school.”
Eva:  “We will. Cuz if we forget, we'll be naked.

Going commando


After swimming lessons

Eva:  “Dad I forgot my pants (underwear).”
Dad:  “Eva, you need to remember to bring those, you're not a baby.”
Eva:  “What do I wear?”
Dad:  “You don't really have a choice. Wear what you've got. I can't magic you up some pants.”

Go for Gold

*Trying to encourage Tom to swim a bit faster before his swimming lesson*


Dad:  “Tom, I don't want you to be the slowest swimmer today?”
Tom:  “I'm always faster than the girl in the wheelchair.”
Dad:  “Comparing yourself to a paraplegic swimmer isn't really challenging yourself is it son?”

Air Jordan


*We just bought Tom new basketball shoes*

Tom:  "Dad, these are ankle tops aren't they?”
Dad:  “High tops son, high tops.”
Just asked him again.  “He now says they're called "high ankles".

It's like pulling nails.

Eva: Tom, look at my gammy nail.  But it's okay, because it will grow out.
Tom: Dad, if you pull out your nail, will an adult nail grow in its place?
Dad: No Tom, nails are not like teeth.

The "U" is silent.

Tom: Dad, there are two ways to spell favourite.  F A V O U R I T E is the correct way.  F A V O R I T E is another way, but that's slang.

He's kind of right, it's American.  It's all slang over there isn't it?

A season named Sue. How do you do?

*Kids are singing a song about spring*

Eva: The days are getting longer, a new Susan is here!
Tom: It's a new season Eva, not Susan.  Susan is a person.

Who are you?

Eva: Is Doctor Who real?
Mom: No Eva, he's not.
Eva: Is his name Doctor Who because he tells jokes?

Smoking is bad, chicken pox, not so much

Tom: If you smoke, do your lungs get black?
Mom: Yes Tom, they do.
Tom: If they get too black, do you die?
Mom: Yes Tom.
Eva: If you have red spots, it means you have chicken pops.  But you won't die.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

I want to ride my BICYCLE.

Mom: Kids, if a bicycle has two wheels, what do you call one with only one wheel?
Eva: A bice.....?
Tom:  No Eva!  It's a unicycle.

Eva logic: Half the wheels, must be a word half the length, right?

Tap, tap, tap

*While out for a walk, we hear tap, tap, tap on a nearby tree*

Tom: Ooh, mom listen.  It's a woodcocker!
Mom: Tom, it's a woodpecker.
Tom: Oh ya.  Mom, don't put this on Facebook.

Okay son, Mom won't.  But Dad will put it on the blog...then share it to Facebook.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

It's a way of life

Tom: Eva said "sexy" at school today.
Mom: Eva, you don't say that at school.
Dad: It's also not nice to call people "gay".
Tom: Yeah Eva, it's just a habit.
Mom: What's a habit?
Tom: Being gay.
Mom: It's more of a "lifestyle".
Tom: how do you have a gay lifestyle?

Kids are sure fascinated by homosexuality

Eva: Mom, have you had gay?
Mom: What?
Eva: It's when two girls marry each other.
Mom: No Eva.

Moist chicken

Tom: Can chickens fly?
Eva: Yes Tom, with their chicken wings.
Mom: No, they can't really fly.
Tom: Well, why have wings then?
Zac (big brother): Penguins have wings and they don't fly, they swim.
Tom: Chickens can swim?

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Money for nothing...

Tom is eyeing my birthday card which pictures a hot young lady and fat old man with the caption, "Which one do you think is the millionaire?"

Tom: Dad, I think the man is the millionaire.
Dad: (I chuckle) Why do you think that?
Tom: Because the girl wouldn't be with him if he wasn't a millionaire.

He's figured life out pretty early.

Get out of my dreams, and into my car.

A picture blog for you.  Eva's Hello Kitty dream car.


Monday, 19 March 2012

Don't ask, don't tell

Eva: I know what "sexy" is.
Dad: Oh really? What is it?
Eva: It means "having gay".

I then spend another five minutes explaining to the kids what "being gay" means...again.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

*Eva is describing my hamster dance birthday card to grandma on the phone*

Eva: It plays music, and on the front there's a picture of a chick-mump.
Dad:  It's chipmunk Eva, not chick-mump.


Saturday, 17 March 2012

Crash the party.

Tom: Dad, you know what would be bad at a wedding? If the church roof caved in.
Dad: Yeah, I'd say so.

Physically, physically, physically fit.

Eva: Dad, I'm walking fast so I excise.
Dad: Excise means to cut something out. It's exercise.

Bank on it

*We're going to the Big Bang Fair, a science expo, today*

Eva: Dad, can I bring some money to the bank fair?
Dad: Big Bang Fair Eva.  Not bank fair.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Happy birthday lady.

Tom: Dad, is your birthday on Mother's Day?
Dad: It is this year.
Eva: Haha.  You're a lady.

Monday, 12 March 2012

If I should die.

Tom: Mom, if we die at the same time, I want to be a mummy wrapped up and buried with you.
Mom: What about Eva?
Tom: She can be buried with dad. Because they have the same eyebrows.

That's not my name. That's not my name.

Eva: My friend's mom gave me a kiss.
Tom: Why would a stranger give you a kiss?
Eva: She knows me very well.  We know each other's names.
Tom: Oh ya, what's her name then?
Eva: Uh...you don't need to know that Tom. 

Sunday, 11 March 2012

I'm not dead.

Eva: Is you great uncle dead?
Mom: Yes Eva.
Eva: My great uncle is a bit.
Mom: A bit what?
Eva: A bit dead. 

Reminds me of Monty Python.

Better to have loved...

Eva: Can we visit John and Jane?
Mom: John and Jane broke up.
Eva: Oh, weren't they married?
Tom: No Eva, they were just boyfriend and girlfriend. 
Eva: Can she get a new one?
Dad: A new what?
Eva: A new boyfriend!
Dad: I suppose so. If she wants one.

Hands at 10 and 2 o'clock.

*While driving*

Eva: Mom, is that driving thing attached to the wheels?
Mom: What driving thing?
Dad: Do you mean the steering wheel?  Yes, it's attached to the wheels.  

No pain, no gain

Eva: If you don't want to exercise you can jog instead.

Take me to your leader

*While driving*

Eva: I just saw a green man?
Mom: A green man?
Eva: Yeah the green man from that movie on a poster.
Mom: You mean Yoda?
Eva: Yeah. 

Friday, 9 March 2012

Welcome to Deadland.

Tom: You can live to infinity. Because when you die you live in the ground forever... in Deadland.
Nice.  Personally, I'd rather go to Heaven.

The sign says...

This is "Eva's toothpaste" in her writing. So there can be NO mistake.


Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Verily I say to thee, "thou art drunk"!

Tom: How was the bus ride home dad?
Dad: A bit irritating as there was a really drunk old man who kept shouting at people.
Tom: Did he look like Thor?
Dad: No Tom, he looked like an old man.

Open source

Dad: Tom, I'm installing Linux on your computer.
Tom: Alright!
Dad: You don't even know what Linux is.
Tom: I didn't mean "alright" like "fantastic".  I mean "alright" like "I don't mind".

Monday, 5 March 2012

Calling it "taking a poo" is so un P.C.

Heard lots of messing behind a closed washroom door. So I look in and see Eva taking a poo... But messing with the rad and everything else she can reach:

Dad: Eva, what are you doing?
Eva: Havin' a toilet.

This is Eva-speak for taking a poo. Must be the flowery language the school makes them use.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Car innovation

*Driving in the rain*

Eva: I wish when it rained there were things on our windows to wipe the rain away.
Dad: You mean wipers? On the car's side windows?
Eva: Yeah.

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Ch-ch-ch-chuna.

While eating dinner.

Eva: "Tuna is chewy, that's why is starts with 'Ch', like 'Chuna'"

Dad would not be a good teacher

Tom: In class, we were talking and the teacher asked us if we were something. But I can't remember the word. Mom do you know?
Mom: No Tom, I wasn't there.
Dad: If I was her and you were disrupting my class, I'd call you all morons!
Tom: If you did that you'd get fired.

Mary had a little dog

Walking to school this morning with the dog. Mom will bring the kids into school, I'll walk the dog home.

 Eva: I wish the dog could come to class with us.

Good, better, bestest.

Dad: “Eva, when will you move up a class at swimming?”
Eva: “When I'm older.”
Dad: “Age doesn't matter, it's how hard you try.”
Eva: “But when I'm older I'll be a bit better. Then when I'm even older I'll be bigger better and finally biggest better.”

You can't fight racism, unless you know what it is.

We're listening to an old Jackson 5 song.

Dad: “Tom, do you know who sings this song?”
Tom: “No, who is it?”
Dad: “Michael Jackson.”
Eva: “Was Michael Jackson a girl when he was a kid?”
Tom: "Eva! That's racist!”

Proceed five more minutes of explaining what racism is (and isn't) and how puberty deepens voices. I dared not explain that Michael Jackson went from black to white.

We're all (super) friends here.

After watching a Justice League cartoon.

Tom: “Where does Superman live?”
Dad: “In the Fortress of Solitude.”
Eva: “And Batman lives in a bat house.”

We're all good at different things.

Contrast the kids' priorities:

Eva: Just asked if she could go on X-Factor in her bra and pants (underwear).
Tom: Just asked how he should add 45 and 54, because he doesn't have enough fingers.

Luke, there is a good chance I am your father.

Tom: “Dad, do you like Star Wars?”
Dad: “Yes. But I don't like watching it as often as you.”
Eva: “I don't like it cuz there's no girls in it. Only Luke Skywater.”

Your mission, if you choose to accept it...

Commercials come on television and Tom sees one for Tom Cruise's new movie.

Tom: “Is that Mission Without Permission?”
Dad: “It's called Mission Impossible.”

When he's older, I'll explain how dad has to go on a Mission Without Permission when mom's not in the mood.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

You sir, are a grand prick.

Tom is playing Mario Kart on the Nintendo Wii.

Tom: “I'm gonna be first in the grand pricks.”
Dad: “Tom, it's pronounced grand prix.”

When he's older, I'