Saturday, 29 December 2012
*Rushing out the door to swimming lessons. *
Dad: Why aren't the bathing suits in this bag.
Eva: We're wearing them under our clothes.
Dad: No one checked with me.
Eva: We thought it was a good idea so you didn't need to ask us. This way it saves your voice so you don't have to shout at us.
Dinner is being served
Eva: “Amen, Amen, Amen. Dad, why don't we do the Amen thing before we eat?
Dad: “I'm not sure why we don't.
Zac: “Eva, you don't even know who you're praying to.”
Eva: “Yes I do. I'm praying to Dad, cuz he made the dinner.”
Tom: “Our Aunt is coming on Christmas because she is family.”
Eva: “She's NOT family?!”
Dad: “Yes she is, she's part of our extended family.”
Tom: “Yeah, she's your mother-in-law. Isn't she dad?”
Dad: “Sister. Sister-in-law Tom.”
Better not tell her about this one.
Mom: “Kids, do you want to go to Winter Wonderland in Telford for Xmas?”
Tom: “Will we see Prancer and Dancer?”
Eva: “And Ruby?”
Eva: “Ruby the red-nosed reindeer.”
Mom: “It's Rudolph.”
Tom: “I don't think he's real. I've never seen him.”
*While watching the movie, The Duchess, during a 'suggestive' bit*
Eva: “Did they just have sex?”
Mom: “Eva, that's not a nice thing to say.”
Dad: “Eva, you don't even know what having sex is.”
Eva: “Yes I do. It's when grown ups take off their clothes and say 'Mmmm’ ”
Eva: “Mom, you're older than dad so you'll be an old granny before he is. “
Dad: “Eva, I will never be a granny. “
Mom: “Eva, when I'm a granny, daddy will be a granddad too. “
Eva: “And mom will die first. But dad will die two days later. Then you'll be together...in the ground
Dad: Do you think someone could really shrink like that?
Eva: No, only clothes can shrink.
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Dad: Lots of them find places to sleep during the winter. But many of them just die.
Tom: Why do they die?
Dad: Because bugs don't live very long. Some live weeks, others only for days.
Tom: Well that's not fair.
Dad: That's life.
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Friday, 16 November 2012
Friday, 9 November 2012
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Friday, 12 October 2012
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Tom: Ewwwww dad, a spider!
Dad: It's not bothering you, why are you so panicked about spiders all of a sudden?
Tom: Because I can feel them crawling all over my back.
Dad: Doubt it. I think it's in your head.
Tom: Dad! Don't say that, there aren't any spiders in my head.
Dad: Sigh, that's not what I meant.
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Eva: Dad, can I peel it?
Dad: Peel what?
Eva: The can, can I use that thing to peel the can?
Dad: You don't really call it "peeling" a can. And no, you cannot.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Thursday, 23 August 2012
Dad: Kids, that's a shame that the man is so dependent on alcohol that's got a bottle of cider at 8 am.
Tom: Maybe it's not for him. It could be a gift/
Dad: You think he's going to give a 3/4 drunk bottle of cheap booze to someone else as a present?
Dad: Don't ever get me a present like that!
Dad: Kids, there are no ham slices left. We'll have this instead?
Eva: Ewwww, it looks like cat food!
Dad: Well it's not. Cat food is expensive, I'd never feed that to you.
Eva: It's go the same jelly on it as cat food.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Dad: Yeah, it's okay. Why?
Eva: Cuz my friend said it was illegal.
Dad: Well it's not.
Saturday, 11 August 2012
Eva: Eww, there's rats falling off him.
Tom: Of course Eva, he's been dead in a coffin. He's Dracula right dad?
Dad: No Tom, it's Frankenstein's monster.
Tom: But Frankenstein is Dracula's son isn't he?
Dad: No, he's not.
Tom: So who's Dracula's son?
Dad: How the heck should I know?
Eva: I think he's a zombie.
Dad: (sigh) He's Frankenstein's monster. Not a zombie at all.
Dad: It's a song about rising up to a challenge. Doing something difficult like staring straight into a tiger's eyes.
Eva: So did the singer stare at a tiger?
Dad: No Eva, the song is a metaphor.
Tom: I'd stare at a shark. That's even more dangerous. They should have called it Eye of the Shark.
Dad: (sigh) It's a metaphor kids. A metaphor.
Friday, 10 August 2012
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Monday, 30 July 2012
I'm bathing a very dirty dog.
Eva: Dad, someone has called on the phone, here it is.
Dad: Eva, did you notice I'm a bit busy. Take a message.
Eva: What's that?
Dad: Ask who's calling.
Eva: (into the phone) Who is talking? (hangs up).
Dad: Who was it?
Eva: I don't know. It starts with a "k".
Swimming lessons about to start.
Tom: I can swim faster than that kid.
Dad: Don't tell me, show me.
Tom: I try. I shout at you when I'm in the pool, but you're looking at your phone and have your headphones in.
Dad: Uh, ahh. Well, I do look, so make sure you're swimming fast when I do.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Tom: How are the winter Olympics different than the summer Olympics?
Mom: The hint to answering that is in the name. What kind of events do you think would be at the Winter Olympics?
Tom: Building snowmen?
Eva: Snowball fights?
Tom: Playing volleyball on skates?
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Eva: Dad, you can pick up snails by their shells.
Dad: Snails carry germs. You shouldn't pick them up at all.
Tom: Yeah Eva, you can only pick them up if you're a chef in France, wearing gloves, and you're gonna bake them. Right Dad?
Tom: But you'll have to learn French.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Friday, 22 June 2012
Friday, 15 June 2012
Friday, 8 June 2012
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Friday, 1 June 2012
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Running late for dance lessons. Kids are dawdling. I'm shouting. Eva is forcing some crocodile tears.
Dad: Crying isn't going to help. Just be quicker.
Eva: You're making me cry.
Dad: You're making yourself cry.
Eva: Well, I'm trying to have good intentions!
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Dad: Oh yeah, I see it.
Eva: Is a Mini Kooker?
Dad: No Eva. It's called a Mini Cooper.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Tom: Dad, how come pistols never run out of bullets.
Dad: They do run out.
Tom: Well machine guns don't because on that game there's those two circles.
Dad: The infinity symbol? It's not real life Tom! You can't magic up infinity bullets.
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Tom: Can they?
Eva: And when owls eat mice they spit out the eye balls and skeletons. But they keep the skin and the bits inside. Also, they eat other owls and they keep the beaks as spares.
Mom: Wow Eva, that's very interesting.
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Mom is reading the Easter story to Eva. Has recounted how two others joined Jesus on crosses.
Eva: Were they all on the same team?
Mom: No Eva, they were crucified for breaking the laws.
Eva: What is crucified?
Mom: Have you even been listening to the story so far?
Monday, 7 May 2012
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Eva: I wish we had a pool in the back garden.
Mom: Under a nice big conservatory to keep the rain out.
Dad: It would be very expensive.
Tom: Yeah, like a billion pounds.
Dad: Probably more like a hundred thousand.
Eva: What if we just had a cacuzzi?
Mom: Yes a cacuzzi would be be nice. But it's called a jacuzzi.
*Watching Star Wars, Ep IV*
Tom: Why are those Stormtroopers shooting at Han Solo? He's not done anything.
Dad: He's offering a lift to Luke and Obiwan who have the Death Star plans.
Tom: What plans?
Dad: Are we watching the same movie? The plans the rebels will use to destroy the Death Star. The plans that everyone has been talking about since the start!
Eva: Why do they need plants?
Dad: PLANS! Arrrggh!
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Dad: Watch out for that dog poo.
Eva: Ewww. Looks like there were carrots in it. That dog must have been allergic to carrots.
Dad: Eva, it's not an allergy when you pass food through your digestive system.
Tom: Yeah Eva. Eva If the dog WAS allergic to carrots, he'd have spots on his bum.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
*Out walking. Dogs are about*
Eva: When our dog pees he stands up, but he lifts his leg a little. That dog just bends down and keeps four legs on the ground.
Tom: Because our dog is a man. That dog is a lady.
Eva: Oh ya, we have a man dog.
Thursday, 19 April 2012
I can't help but think of the movie, "Master of Disguise" whenever Eva says she had to do "turtle".
Btw, the link above is clickable if you wanna see what I mean.
*School has impractical security gate. We usually wait ages for buzzer to be answered *
Dad: Eva, slip between the bars because you're so small and open the gate from the other side.
*Eva slips through. It's very Mission Impossible*
Tom: Dad, we'll have to stop feeding her so she stays skinny enough to do that.
* Eating dinner. Tom is making a show of how hard he's having to use his knife*
Tom: Ugh, aarrgh! This is hard to cut. Ow, I have a bad crank. Ow crank, crank.
Dad: I think you mean cramp. And can we tone down the drama? It's just a piece of chicken.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Tom: Mom, why has Obiwan left Anakin to catch on fire (Tom starts getting a bit upset).
Mom: Well, Anakin had become angry and part of the dark side.
*Scene jumps to Padme dying giving birth*
Tom: Why is Padme dying?
Mom: Because she senses what happened to Anakin and she's dying of a broken heart.
*Tom bursts into tears*
Tom: Mom, why does Padme have to die of a broken heart?
Eva: Tom, what are you cryin' for?
*He continues sobbing. Mom later says it's probably a good thing Dad wasn't in the room*
Monday, 16 April 2012
Eva: Mom, I can count to 10 in Spanish.
Mom: I know you can. You must have a good Spanish teacher.
Eva: She is a "real" Spanish teacher.
Mom: Oh ya? Is she from Spain?
Eva: I don't know. But she's brown. The other Spanish teacher is from England. She just knows stuff.
Saturday, 14 April 2012
Dad: Eva, look at that little dog.
Eva: Is it a Husky dog?
Dad: Uh no Eva. A Husky is very large. That's a Chihuahua.
She couldn't find two dogs at further ends of the size spectrum if she tried.
Ironically, later in the day she saw a Husky and correctly identified it.
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Tom: Dad, how come there are millionaires and billionaires, but there are no qazillionaires and infinity-aires?
Dad: Because no one person has ever earned that much money. And trillionaire is the next level.
Tom: I'll earn a trillion pounds, when I'm a popstar.
Tom: Dad, how do you become a Saint? Do you have to fight someone?
Dad: No Tom. You have to perform a miracle and then the Pope makes you a saint.
Tom: What's a pope?
Dad: The head of the Catholic Church.
Tom: I'm going to be Catholic then, so I can be Saint Thomas.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Monday, 9 April 2012
Eva: I want to watch Mamma Mia!
Tom: I want to watch Tintin!
Dad: Eva, we've seen Mamma Mia a million times. Why don't we watch Tintin for 10 minutes to see if we like it. It's a cartoon about a treasure hunt.
Eva: I hate cartoons. And I hate treasure.
Since when Eva? Since when?
Dad: We'll be gone for a few days, you might need more than one pair of trousers and one shirt.
(I sniff his clothes).
Dad: Plus, these are dirty! Put these in the laundry!
Friday, 6 April 2012
Tom: Dad, you have poo hanging from your bum!
Dad: Tom, that's why I'm wiping my bum! Get out of here!
(I wipe vigorously to remove the offending poo before pulling up my undies).
Tom: Ewww, the poo is still there and it's fallen into your pants!
Dad: (I look in my pants). Tom, it's butt fluff for God's sake, not poo. Get out of here!
Clearly my butt fluff is substantial! Rivaled only by my navel fluff.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Eva: Dad, did you get chocolate eggs?
Dad: No I didn't. The Easter Bunny is going to bring some.
Tom: I believe in Jesus, but I don't believe in the Easter Bunny.
Eva: I believe in the Easter Bunny!
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
*Someone has dumped a rusty motorcycle in the park*
Eva: Probably a man dumped that motorcycle there because girls can't ride motorcycles. Well, they can, but they have to practice. Mans already know how to ride motorcycles.
Monday, 2 April 2012
*I'm describing to Mom a situation where someone got "bollocked"*
Tom: What is a bollock?
Mom: In this case, it's slang for getting in trouble. It's not nice to say.
Eva: Yeah, I would get in trouble if I said bonnet. Is that the right word?
Dad: If it's not nice to say Eva, then don't worry about saying it right.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Thursday, 29 March 2012
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Monday, 26 March 2012
Mom: “Kids, we're giving these shoeboxes full of Xmas gifts to charity for poor people in other countries.”
Tom: “Are there poor people in China?”
Eva: “Yes Tom, and they have this (pokes finger to middle of forehead).”
Mom: “Eva, I think that's Indian people
Dad: “Tom, can you put these DVDs away in alphabetical order?”
Tom: “I've got Fantastic Four, where is the "W"?”
Dad: “There is no "W" in Fantastic Four.”
Tom: “I know, but this one goes right after "W" because in the alphabet it goes W F Y Z.”
Dad: “It's "X". Not "F".
Eva: “At school we learned that a man named King in a different country made kids switch schools if they had light skin and if they had dark skin. Our family all has light skin so we'd go to the same school.
Tom: “Yeah, it was Arthur Luther King.”
Mom: “You mean Martin Luther King?”
Dad: “Son, what do you say when a stranger asks you to help find his dog?”
Tom: “No! Because he might want to hurt me.”
Dad: “Good son.”
Dad: Asks daughter similarly…“and if a stranger offers you candy?”
Eva: Looking quite excited answers…“Please?”
Clearly I've still work to do in educating on stranger danger.
Dad: “Tom, I don't want you to be the slowest swimmer today?”
Tom: “I'm always faster than the girl in the wheelchair.”
Dad: “Comparing yourself to a paraplegic swimmer isn't really challenging yourself is it son?”
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Tom: Ooh, mom listen. It's a woodcocker!
Mom: Tom, it's a woodpecker.
Tom: Oh ya. Mom, don't put this on Facebook.
Okay son, Mom won't. But Dad will put it on the blog...then share it to Facebook.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Mom: Eva, you don't say that at school.
Dad: It's also not nice to call people "gay".
Tom: Yeah Eva, it's just a habit.
Mom: What's a habit?
Tom: Being gay.
Mom: It's more of a "lifestyle".
Tom: how do you have a gay lifestyle?
Eva: Yes Tom, with their chicken wings.
Mom: No, they can't really fly.
Tom: Well, why have wings then?
Zac (big brother): Penguins have wings and they don't fly, they swim.
Tom: Chickens can swim?
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Tom: Dad, I think the man is the millionaire.
Dad: (I chuckle) Why do you think that?
Tom: Because the girl wouldn't be with him if he wasn't a millionaire.
He's figured life out pretty early.
Monday, 19 March 2012
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Monday, 12 March 2012
Mom: What about Eva?
Tom: She can be buried with dad. Because they have the same eyebrows.
Tom: Why would a stranger give you a kiss?
Eva: She knows me very well. We know each other's names.
Tom: Oh ya, what's her name then?
Eva: Uh...you don't need to know that Tom.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Mom: John and Jane broke up.
Eva: Oh, weren't they married?
Tom: No Eva, they were just boyfriend and girlfriend.
Eva: Can she get a new one?
Dad: A new what?
Eva: A new boyfriend!
Dad: I suppose so. If she wants one.
Friday, 9 March 2012
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Monday, 5 March 2012
Dad: Eva, what are you doing?
Eva: Havin' a toilet.
This is Eva-speak for taking a poo. Must be the flowery language the school makes them use.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Mom: No Tom, I wasn't there.
Dad: If I was her and you were disrupting my class, I'd call you all morons!
Tom: If you did that you'd get fired.
Eva: “When I'm older.”
Dad: “Age doesn't matter, it's how hard you try.”
Eva: “But when I'm older I'll be a bit better. Then when I'm even older I'll be bigger better and finally biggest better.”
Dad: “Tom, do you know who sings this song?”
Tom: “No, who is it?”
Dad: “Michael Jackson.”
Eva: “Was Michael Jackson a girl when he was a kid?”
Tom: "Eva! That's racist!”
Proceed five more minutes of explaining what racism is (and isn't) and how puberty deepens voices. I dared not explain that Michael Jackson went from black to white.
Eva: Just asked if she could go on X-Factor in her bra and pants (underwear).
Tom: Just asked how he should add 45 and 54, because he doesn't have enough fingers.
Tom: “Is that Mission Without Permission?”
Dad: “It's called Mission Impossible.”
When he's older, I'll explain how dad has to go on a Mission Without Permission when mom's not in the mood.