I want to be a billionaire

Tom: Dad, how come there are millionaires and billionaires, but there are no qazillionaires and infinity-aires?
Dad: Because no one person has ever earned that much money. And trillionaire is the next level.
Tom: I'll earn a trillion pounds, when I'm a popstar.

Saint Thomas

Tom: Dad, how do you become a Saint?  Do you have to fight someone?
Dad: No Tom. You have to perform a miracle and then the Pope makes you a saint.
Tom: What's a pope?
Dad: The head of the Catholic Church.
Tom: I'm going to be Catholic then, so I can be Saint Thomas.

Flying car

Eva: Mom, I wish cars could fly. Then you could see the whole town.

Skeleton privates

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, I found the skeleton's privates.
Mom: Eva, it's called the pubic bone.

Skeleton eyes

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, look here (she points to eye sockets).  This is where God puts your eyeballs.

Skeleton eyes

Eva is playing with a toy skeleton.

Eva: Mom, look here (she points to eye sockets).  This is where God puts your eyeballs.

Who hates treasure?

The usual argument about which DVD to watch.

Eva: I want to watch Mamma Mia!
Tom: I want to watch Tintin!
Dad: Eva, we've seen Mamma Mia a million times.  Why don't we watch Tintin for 10 minutes to see if we like it.  It's a cartoon about a treasure hunt.
Eva: I hate cartoons.  And I hate treasure.

Since when Eva?  Since when?

All packed up and ready to go

* We are preparing for an upcoming holiday.  I examine the suitcase I left to Tom to pack *

Dad: We'll be gone for a few days, you might need more than one pair of trousers and one shirt.

(I sniff his clothes).

Dad: Plus, these are dirty!  Put these in the laundry!

Dark matter

Eva: Mom, because it's wet and muddy out, I have a good idea. 

Mom: What's your idea then?

Eva: I'm going to wear these dark clothes so that if I splash mud on them it won't show.

Brilliant.  So dark clothes stay perpetually clean by means of an optical illusion?

Get some nuts

* Tom and Eva are playing rougher than they should be *

Eva: Ouch Tom.  You hurt my nuts!
Dad: EVA-ROSE!  One, don't say that, it's not a nice word.  And two, you don't have nuts.

Keep your bum tidy

* Tom walks in on me in the bathroom as I'm wiping my bottom *

Tom: Dad, you have poo hanging from your bum!
Dad: Tom, that's why I'm wiping my bum!  Get out of here!
(I wipe vigorously to remove the offending poo before pulling up my undies).
Tom: Ewww, the poo is still there and it's fallen into your pants!
Dad: (I look in my pants). Tom, it's butt fluff for God's sake, not poo.  Get out of here!

Clearly my butt fluff is substantial!  Rivaled only by my navel fluff.

One child predicted

Eva: Mom, when I'm older, I will have one child.
Mom: Only one?
Eva: *Show Mom one of the creases on her palm*. See, this line goes deeper down, so it means I will have on child.
Dad: I recommend you have no children!

Jesus versus Easter Bunny

* Kids can see I have chocolate eggs in the shopping bag *

Eva: Dad, did you get chocolate eggs?
Dad: No I didn't.  The Easter Bunny is going to bring some.
Tom: I believe in Jesus, but I don't believe in the Easter Bunny.
Eva: I believe in the Easter Bunny!

You gotta be in it to win it

* Mom is scratching a lottery ticket.  It's not looking good. *

Eva: Mom, did you win?
Mom: Unfortunately no.
Eva: Maybe someone else won then.

I pronounce you dog and wife

*While walking our dog past another*

Eva: When our dog and that other dog are older, if they're still alive, they might hold hands and lick eachother's bellies. Then they'll be married.

If only licking ladies' bellies worked for humans.

Ain't no woman can ride a motorcycle

*Someone has dumped a rusty motorcycle in the park*

Eva: Probably a man dumped that motorcycle there because girls can't ride motorcycles. Well, they can, but they have to practice.  Mans already know how to ride motorcycles.

Loosen that belt

Eva: I ate sooooo much food today. My belt is blocking me.

She then proceeds to free herself from the confines of her shiny red belt which is purely for fashion purposes.

He will bonnet you

*I'm describing to Mom a situation where someone got "bollocked"*

Tom: What is a bollock?
Mom: In this case, it's slang for getting in trouble. It's not nice to say.
Eva: Yeah, I would get in trouble if I said bonnet.  Is that the right word?
Dad: If it's not nice to say Eva, then don't worry about saying it right.

Fire-starter

*Eva is banging two sticks together*

Eva: Dad, rubbing sticks is how my friend and I start a fire. Well, a pretend fire. But then we turn the pretend fire into a real fire. Well, a pretend real fire.

Better out than in

*While at the dinner table*

Eva: Mom, if you're allergic to good, you can either sick it out, or poo it out.

Mom: Better to sick it out I think.