The Colonel will see you now

Dad:  “Kids, we're going to have KFC for lunch.”
Tom:  “KFC adverts always have that old man with the white moustache.”
Dad:  “Yes Tom, the Colonel.”
Tom:  “Colonel Mustard?”
Dad:  “No Tom, Colonel Sanders.”

Sandy glass

Tom pointing to my glass rimmed with celery salt, prepped for a bloody mary.
Tom:  “Dad, Can you eat that sand on your glass?

That's a spicy toothpaste

Eva:  “I have no toothpaste left.”
Mom:  “Just use Tom's.”
Eva:  “I don't like it. It's too spicy.”

Funny mayonnaise

Lunchtime. I'm taking something very hot and very tomato saucy out of the microwave.

Eva:  “Dad, is that mayonnaise for your lunch?”
Dad:  “Eva, of course it's not. It's chili!”

Big orange

Eva:  “Dad, is this a biggest orange ever?”
Dad:  “Eva, it's a grapefruit.”
Eva:  “Oh. I love grapefroo.”
Dad:  “Really? A second ago you didn't even know what it was.”

Sharing food

Dad:  “What does "being related mean"?”
Eva:  “It means you can share food with that person.”

Cream cheese

Eva:  “Dad, what is this?”
Dad:  “Cream cheese.”
Eva:  “Is that the same as fillidelfida?”

Marshmallow tree

*While helping mom plant a fruit tree outside*

Eva:  “Does this tree grow marshmallows?”

Germs are bad for your heart

Dad:  “Eva-Rose, why do we have to wash our vegetables before we eat.”
Eva:  “Because they won't taste nice.”
Dad:  “Yes, because there are germs on them. Germs can make you sick.”
Eva:  “Yeah, they can make your heart stop beeping.”

Coca-Rola

Eva-Rose:  “Can I leave strawberry popcorn and Coca-Rola for the reindeer.”

Boiler up the backside

Tom:  “If Santa tries to come down our chimney (actually a boiler exhaust) and the fire is on, will he be dead?”

Auntie mother-in-law

Tom:  “Our Aunt is coming on Christmas because she is family.”
Eva:  “She's NOT family?!”
Dad:  “Yes she is, she's part of our extended family.”
Tom:  “Yeah, she's your mother-in-law. Isn't she dad?”
Dad:  “Sister. Sister-in-law Tom.”

Better not tell her about this one.

Santa writing

Tom:  “Wow, Santa sure uses fancy writing on the gift tags.  How much writing can he do?  I think he can do Comic Sans, Courier New and Times New Roman.”

Ruby the Red-nosed reindeer

Mom:  “Kids, do you want to go to Winter Wonderland in Telford for Xmas?”
Tom:  “Will we see Prancer and Dancer?”
Eva:  “And Ruby?”
Mom:  “Who?”
Eva:  “Ruby the red-nosed reindeer.”
Mom:  “It's Rudolph.”
Tom:  “I don't think he's real. I've never seen him.”

Poo wisdom

We're walking to school


Tom:  “I've walked past three piles of dog poo. One big one, one little one and one diarrhea one.”
Eva:  “Daddy, little dogs can't do big poos cuz they're only little, but big dogs can cuz they're big.”

Justin Bieber is a dog

Eva:  “Some people look like Justin Bieber, even dogs.”

Penguin, meet bear

Eva:  “Penguins live at the North Pole.  Polar bears live, uh, I don't know where they live. But they only ever meet in a zoo.”

All rats go to heaven

*Jerry, our pet rat has died*

Eva-Rose:  “When will his bones go up in the sky?”
Mom:  “Don't you mean his soul?”
Eva-Rose:  “When can we get a fish?”

Grey hand

*In the park*

Eva:  “Oooh, a poodle.”
Dad:  “That's right Eva.  Do you know what that other dog is?”
Eva:  “A thin dog.”
Dad:  “It's a greyhound.”
Eva:  “Oh, a grey hand. I wish we had one.”

Chicken poo

Eva:  Poo doesn't come out of a chicken's bottom. Eggs do.