Crispy pig

Eva: This fried chicken is like that crispy pig thing.
Dad: You mean pork scratchings...not crispy pig things.
Eva: Oh ya.

Wood cutting guy

Tom: Dad, why do you dress in plaid? You look like one of those wood cutting guys.
Me: You mean a lumberjack?
Tom: Oh ya.

Shotgun

Watching an advert that features a shiny dildo.

Tom: Wow, that looks like a really big shotgun bullet!
Dad: Uh, it's not a bullet.

Wiffy

Tom is watching Star Trek.

Tom: I didn't know is that Wiffy Goldberg was in this show.
Dad: It's Whoopy, Whoopy Goldberg.

Wake up

Emelia: I stayed in bed and didn't wake up. And I didn't wake down.

Where's your brain?

Me: Emelia, are you clever?
Emelia: Yes.
Me: Where's your big brain? Is it in your head?
Emelia: No, in my face.

The dog blows

Strong winds have recently blown the back yard trampoline over. I point it out to three year old Emelia:

Me: Oh my, how do you think that happened?
Emelia: Doggie did it.
Me: Doggie is not strong enough, and doesn't have opposable thumbs. It was the wind.
Emelia: *stunned silence*

Tunip

Tom: You know what I'd like for dinner next time?
Dad: What?
Tom: Tunips.
Dad: What the hell is a tunip? Do you mean a turnip?
Tom: Yeah, a turnip.

Moldy cheese

Tom: What's the stuff in blue cheese? Is it blueberries?
Dad: Actually, it's mold.
Tom: Mold?!

Fancy moustache

Tom: Dad, you shaved a moustache. What's that bit under your lip called? A stub?
Dad: It's a soul patch Tom.

Putting up the Christmas tree

Tom: Dad, can I hang candy walking sticks on the tree?
Dad: They're candy canes son.

Chilli time

12:45 pm...as I'm stirring the chilli for lunch

Eva: Dad, can I have some breakfast?

Pluckers

Tom: When you eat salad you should use salad pliers.
Dad: Salad pliers?
Tom: I mean salad pluckers.
Dad: I think what you REALLY mean is salad tongs.

Strip club

Tom: Have you ever been to a strip club?
Dad: Just once.
Tom: Did you put money in the lady's pants?
Dad: No Tom.

Bald patches

Dad: Eva, what are you staring at?
Eva: Dad, you have a lot of bald patches.
Dad: Thanks Eva. I'm almost 40, so I don't think I'm doing too bad.

Cat gun

Eva: Dad, if you own a cat, you can use it as a gun.
Dad: What?
Eva: Yeah you hold its back legs like this and front legs like this you can pretend it's a gun. *makes machine gun noise*
Dad: Eva, no.

The Carpenters

Tom: Is a carpenter someone who lays carpets?

Old man's cock

Dad: Pubs in Britain have the dullest names. The Shire Oak?
Tom: Yeah, there's a pub called The Old Man's Cock.
Dad: I doubt it Tom.

Maltimore

Eva: Dad, do you know that song from Hairspray? Is it "Good morning Maltimore"?
Dad: It's "Baltimore" Eva

Paloma

Tom: Now that David Cameron is leaving who's going to be Prime Minister
Eva: Mom could be Prime Minister
Tom: Mom can't be Prime Minister, she doesn't have the right degree.
Mom: You don't need a degree to be Prime Minister
Tom: Well, you at least need a paloma then