Dogs don't wear clothes

Once again, a rush to get to school on time.

Dad: Eva, why does it take you so long in the morning to get ready?  I showered and walked the dog before you even got dressed!
Eva: Well it's because the dog doesn't have to get dressed.

Six pack

Listening to LMFAO's Sexy and I Know It.

Tom: Dad is my body better than yours?

Dad: What?  Depends what you mean by "better".

Tom: I'm growing a six pack.

Dad: Oh you are?

Tom: Yeah, the lines are forming.... does a six pack go over or under your belly button?

Ignorance of the law

Dad: Eva, if you considered your actions, you wouldn't be in so much trouble. You need to listen.
Eva: I don't even know what some of those words mean, so how am I supposed to listen?

Paved with good intentions

Running late for dance lessons. Kids are dawdling. I'm shouting. Eva is forcing some crocodile tears.

Dad: Crying isn't going to help. Just be quicker.
Eva: You're making me cry.
Dad: You're making yourself cry.
Eva: Well, I'm trying to have good intentions!

Jubilee

Eva: The Queen's Jubilee party is this weekend.
Dad: That's nice. Do you know what a Jubilee is?
Eva: No.
Dad: It's the anniversary of the Queen's coronation. Do you know what a coronation is?
Eva: A party?

Crazy Frog

We're watching Beverly Hills Cop. The Axel F theme song comes on.

Eva: Hey, it's the Crazy Frog song!

Beverly Hills Cop

Most kids watch Disney movies when you say to put on a DVD. I walk into the living room and mine are watching Beverly Hills Cop.

"Get the f*** outta here" - Eddie Murphy.

Long shelf life

Tom: When were you born? 1950?
Dad: No Tom.
Tom: 1972? 
Dad: No. I've told you before when I was born.
Tom: 1765?
Dad: I'd be almost 250 years old!

Kooky

Eva: Dad, look at that little car over there.
Dad:  Oh yeah, I see it.
Eva: Is a Mini Kooker?
Dad: No Eva.  It's called a Mini Cooper.

http://www.mini.co.uk/model-range/hatch/mini-cooper

Cardiac Claus

Tom: Santa Claus is really old isn't he? How is that possible?
Dad: Well, he was a very good man who became a Saint. God made him special so he could keep giving presents to kids.
Tom: Could he still die of a heart attack?

Infinity bullets

Tom: Dad, how come pistols never run out of bullets.
Dad: They do run out.
Tom: Well machine guns don't because on that game there's those two circles.
Dad: The infinity symbol? It's not real life Tom! You can't magic up infinity bullets.

Moon Sand

This stuff is a disaster.  All the negatives of play dough, none of the positives.

All you wanted to know about owls

Eva: Mom, did you know owls can turn their heads all the way around?
Tom: Can they?
Eva: And when owls eat mice they spit out the eye balls and skeletons. But they keep the skin and the bits inside.  Also, they eat other owls and they keep the beaks as spares.
Mom: Wow Eva, that's very interesting.

Irrelevant

Tom: Mom, if we go to Canada will we visit our relevants?
Mom: I think you mean relatives?
Tom: Oh ya.

Aw nuts

Dad: Eva, how do emails get from my phone to mom's?
Eva: Uh, uh...
Tom: (whispers) the internet.
Eva: Oh ya, the internut.
Dad: I see. What is the internut then?
Eva: Uh, uh... I'm not telling you.

Vampire school

Eva: Mom, in Twilight, when Bella has the vampire baby will it have to go to vampire school?

Mom: There is no vampire school.  It will go to a regular school and have to keep a low profile.

Eva: So it will just go to school with random people?

Tom: What's a low profile?

Go team go!

Mom is reading the Easter story to Eva. Has recounted how two others joined Jesus on crosses.

Eva: Were they all on the same team?
Mom: No Eva, they were crucified for breaking the laws.
Eva: What is crucified?
Mom: Have you even been listening to the story so far?

Bearded monkey

Eva:  “Dad, you look like a monkey with your beard.”

Bearded lady

Eva:  “When I grow up I want a pretend beard that looks like Dad's. Then I'll be a girl moustache lady.”

Chew with your ears closed

Eva:  “Mom, when Dad eats, his ears move up and down. Mine don't.”
Mom:  “I guess you take after me then.”