Kid hilarious

Eva: Do you put all the funny stuff we say on kid hilarious?
Dad: Yes. And it's called Kidlarious.

Pepperoni beer

Tom: Dad, do you like pepperoni beer?
Dad: What is pepperoni beer?
Tom: The one you bought at the restaurant the other day.
Dad: That was Peroni.  Not pepperoni.

Heaven is a place on Earth

Eva: Why would Heaven be in space and not on Earth? If all the dead people were in space the astronauts would be freaked out.

Didn't say penis.

Tom came home after his very first day of school, aged four.

Tom: Mom, I had a good day at school today.
Mom: Why's that?
Tom: I didn't say "penis".

Unstylish dad

Tom:  Dad, you're looking more stylish today.
Dad: Am I?
Tom: Yeah, you have new shoes and nice jeans.  But the bum bag you're wearing doesn't work.

Conditionering

I'm shouting to Eva who's in the bath.

Dad: Eva, have you washed your hair and put conditioner on?
Eva: I'm conditionering it right now!

Oh-oh-oh Jerrrrry!

We're listening to Europe's 80s rock ballad, Carrie.

Eva: Is he saying Jerry?
Dad: No, Carrie. A girl's name.
Eva: Ohhhh, Harry.

Our country is special

Eva: There's lots of things that are special about our country. God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Santa. And the tooth fairy.

Indiana Jones

Eva: Is Indiana Jones Indian?
Mom: No Eva, it's just a name.

Cat sapiens

Tom: Dad, do dogs have a proper name?
Dad: Yes, Canis familiaris I think. It's Latin.
Mom: People are called Homo sapiens.
Tom: So are cats called Cat sapiens?
Dad: No Tom.

Heavenly food

Tom: In heaven, do you eat food?
Dad: I don't know. I've never been to heaven.

Singing university

Eva: When I grow up, I want to be a singer.  Will university help me?

Tea cup dog

Eva: Dad, when I'm older, I want to have a teacup dog.
Dad: What is a teacup dog?
Eva: Dogs that fit in teacups. They're so cute. Actually a whole family of teacup dogs. Well maybe 18 of them.

Memory trouble

Eva: When you die you lose your memory.

Disco Jesus

Boney M Christmas music is playing on the music channel

Dad: Oh look Eva, that song was released in 1978. What else happened in 1978.
Eva: Jesus was born!
Dad: No! I was born!

Get outta my dreams

Dad: You kids are taking way too long to get ready in the morning.  You need to get out of bed when I ask you.
Eva: But what if I'm having a nice dream and want to keep it?

Water fight

It's cold and rainy.

Eva:  Dad, can I go outside and use my water balloons.
Dad: No.

Christian pirate

Eva is reading me a book about pirates and shipwrecks.

Eva: And pirate Sam Beard attacked a Brit..., Brit..., Dad what's this word.
Dad: It's what you are.
Eva: Christian?
Dad: No Eva, British.

Spatula degree

Eva: When I'm older, how do I get a job that makes lots of money?
Dad: You need to start with a bachelor degree.
Eva: That thing you use to stir food?
Dad: No Eva, that's a spatula. I said bachelor.

How many libs do you weigh?

Tom: When you blow up this ball, how donor know when it gets to seven libs?
Dad: What is a lib?
Tom: Look here, it says libs.
Dad: It says lbs. That's short for pounds.