Belly aching

My niece Leighton: I've got a headache.
My sister in law: And where's your headache?
Leighton: In my belly.

Granddad killed Jesus

We're walking past a cemetery.

Me: Emelia, do you know what these stones are for?  They are where people who've died are buried.
Nanny: A lot of them mention Jesus.
Emelia: Yeah, my granddad killed Jesus.
Me: Hmmm, I'm not sure that's true.

So sore you'll die

Emelia: Look I've got a blister. Nanny is getting me a plaster.
Me: Oh no, will a plaster help?
Emelia: Yes, because if you don't have a plaster, it will get sorer and sorer and then you could die.

Mormous dinosaur

Me: Emelia, did you see a dinosaur at the museum?
Emelia: Yes, it was mormous.
Me: That big eh?

Tom: I'm coughing a bit. I might have turbulosis.
Dad: Uh, it's tuberculosis.

Cool name

Tom proudly announced at dinner that when he's older, he wants to change his name to Anakin, because it sounds cooler.

Sheep Vaseline

Tom: Look, here's a picture of me pretending to kiss a sheep.
Mom: Oh yes.
Tom: I wish I'd had Vaseline.
Dad: You were kissing a sheep and you wanted Vaseline?
Tom: Yeah, my lips were so dry.
Dad: ***laughs out loud***
Tom: What?

Taxi

Tom: I think I want to be a taxidermatologist.
Dad: You mean a taxidermist.

Curdle

*Watching Olympic curling*

Tom: Is the thing they throw called the "curdle"?
Dad: Uh, no.

You're hot

Tom: Your body is pretty warm isn't it?
Dad: Yes, it's about 37 degrees.
Tom: That's pretty hot. But the sun's hotter.

Sparkly

Eva: When I grow up, I want to be a cleaner.
Mom: You never want to clean your own bedroom, why would you want to clean other people's homes?
Eva: I want them to be sparkly.

Killer instinct

Eva: In jail, are prisoners allowed to kill each other?
Mom: No, no one is allowed to kill anyone, ever.
Eva: But they do in Guardians of the Galaxy.
Mom: That's a science fiction movie. It's not real.

Contraction

We're watching a PG13 gross-out comedy when one of the male characters gets sexually excited.

Eva: Haha, that's hilarious, he's got a contraction!
Tom: A contraction? Haha, that's not what it's called.
Mom: Eva, it's called an erection.
Eva: Tom, stop laughing.

Death due to oldness

Eva: How old were you when your Nan died?
Mom: Oh, around 12 I think.
Eva: Did your Nan just die of oldness?

Like a virgin

Eva: Mom, my teacher is a virgin.
Mom: Your teacher told you she's a virgin?
Eva: Yeah, she doesn't eat meat.
Mom: You mean a vegan. Not a virgin!

Going abroad

Dad: I might have a rum and coke.
Tom: Oh Dad, you're going abroad with the captain?
Dad: Uhm, the expression is "Setting sail with Captain Morgan".

Getting laid

*Watching music videos*
Me: Oh my, Hanson is back. Look at all those chicks in the background. They're definitely getting laid.
Eva: What does that mean?
Me: Uh, it means they'll get kissed by all the girls.

Crispy pig

Eva: This fried chicken is like that crispy pig thing.
Dad: You mean pork scratchings...not crispy pig things.
Eva: Oh ya.

Wood cutting guy

Tom: Dad, why do you dress in plaid? You look like one of those wood cutting guys.
Me: You mean a lumberjack?
Tom: Oh ya.

Shotgun

Watching an advert that features a shiny dildo.

Tom: Wow, that looks like a really big shotgun bullet!
Dad: Uh, it's not a bullet.