Our country is special

Eva: There's lots of things that are special about our country. God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Santa. And the tooth fairy.

Indiana Jones

Eva: Is Indiana Jones Indian?
Mom: No Eva, it's just a name.

Cat sapiens

Tom: Dad, do dogs have a proper name?
Dad: Yes, Canis familiaris I think. It's Latin.
Mom: People are called Homo sapiens.
Tom: So are cats called Cat sapiens?
Dad: No Tom.

Heavenly food

Tom: In heaven, do you eat food?
Dad: I don't know. I've never been to heaven.

Singing university

Eva: When I grow up, I want to be a singer.  Will university help me?

Tea cup dog

Eva: Dad, when I'm older, I want to have a teacup dog.
Dad: What is a teacup dog?
Eva: Dogs that fit in teacups. They're so cute. Actually a whole family of teacup dogs. Well maybe 18 of them.

Memory trouble

Eva: When you die you lose your memory.

Disco Jesus

Boney M Christmas music is playing on the music channel

Dad: Oh look Eva, that song was released in 1978. What else happened in 1978.
Eva: Jesus was born!
Dad: No! I was born!

Get outta my dreams

Dad: You kids are taking way too long to get ready in the morning.  You need to get out of bed when I ask you.
Eva: But what if I'm having a nice dream and want to keep it?

Water fight

It's cold and rainy.

Eva:  Dad, can I go outside and use my water balloons.
Dad: No.

Christian pirate

Eva is reading me a book about pirates and shipwrecks.

Eva: And pirate Sam Beard attacked a Brit..., Brit..., Dad what's this word.
Dad: It's what you are.
Eva: Christian?
Dad: No Eva, British.

Spatula degree

Eva: When I'm older, how do I get a job that makes lots of money?
Dad: You need to start with a bachelor degree.
Eva: That thing you use to stir food?
Dad: No Eva, that's a spatula. I said bachelor.

How many libs do you weigh?

Tom: When you blow up this ball, how donor know when it gets to seven libs?
Dad: What is a lib?
Tom: Look here, it says libs.
Dad: It says lbs. That's short for pounds.

Who ya gonna call? Sperm busters

Tom walks into the room wearing a peculiar key chain.

Dad: Tom, what's on your belt?
Tom: Oh, it's a key chain that Zac gave me. It's a ghost that glows in the dark.
Dad: It doesn't look like a ghost to me. It looks like a giant sperm!
Tom: No, its a ghost. What's a sperm anyway?
Dad: Male reproductive cells. And it's definitely a sperm.
Tom: Mom, Zac gave me this, it's a ghost isn't it?
Mom: Well.... I did get it for Zac from a reproductive health booth at work. So it's not a ghost.
Dad: Bwahahaha haha.
Tom: *Rips it off his belt* I can't believe Zac gave this to me.
Eva: I'll have it.

Where's my willy?

Eva: Look Dad, it's one of those books where you have to find Willy.
Dad: It's Wally, Eva.

Surprises lead to heart attacks

Tom: How did Elvis Presley die?
Dad: He had a heart attack... on the toilet.
Tom: You can't have a heart attack on the toilet.
Dad: You can have a heart attack anywhere.
Tom: But there's no one to surprise you when you're on the toilet?
Dad: You don't get heart attacks from being surprised. You get them because your heart fails.

Dark magic

Tom: Dad, I learned a card trick off the Internet. Can I try it on you?
Dad: Oh God, do I have to?
Tom: Pick a card, don't show it to me.
*I pick 9 of clubs*
Tom: Now put it back in the deck. And cut the deck.
*Tom pulls out the 10 of diamonds*
Tom: Is this your card?
Dad: No. Definitely not.
Tom: Oh. You must have done that wrong.
Dad: No, YOU did that wrong. Great trick.

Look into my ears

Dad: Eva you have a reminder card to see the optometrist.
Eva: The optometrist for my ears?
Dad: Optometrists look at your eyes Eva.
Eva: Well, who'll look at my ears then?

Anniversity

Eva: Happy Anniversity Mom and Dad.
Dad: Thanks Eva. But it's anniversary.

Bed parts

The wife and I flopped down on each other's side of the bed.

Eva: Mom, Dad, how come you're on the wrong bed parts?