Death talking

Tom: There's someone at school who talks funny.
Dad: Lots of people have different voices and they might sound funny.
Eva: Yeah, like dead people.
Dad: Eva, I think you mean deaf people. Dead people don't talk at all.

Laundry sugar

I'm putting clothes in the washing machine.

Eva: Can I help?
Dad: Uh, okay.  Can you put the clothes in?
Eva: Can I also put the sugar in?
Dad: That's washing powder Eva, not sugar.

Musical brothers

We're listening to music.

Dad: Tom, this is your Uncle's favourite singer, Alan Jackson.
Tom: Oh, is he Michael Jackson's brother.
Dad: Uh, no.

Gin is its own food group

Dad: Look everyone, I got presents.
Eva: Yay, what did you get us?
Dad: Well, a bottle of wine for mommy. A case of Budweiser for Tom and a bottle of gin for you Eva.
Eva: I don't eat gin.

Don't lie about brushing teeth

Dad: Eva, did you brush your teeth?
Eva: Yes.
Dad: I don't believe you.
Eva: I just said I did.
Dad: I don't believe you.  You often lie.
Eva: Yeah, but I don't lie about brushing my teeth.

Don't waste your blood

Mom's going out for a bit.

Eva: Mom, where are you going?
Mom: I'm going to the blood donor clinic to give blood.
Eva: Why?
Mom: Because sometimes other people get hurt and need my blood.
Eva: I don't think you should waste your blood like that.

Chicken fish

We're eating supper.

Tom: Dad, what kind of fish is this?

Dad: It's chicken.

Pumpkin seaweed

We're carving the Hallowe'en pumpkin.

Eva: Dad, there sure is a lot of seaweed inside this pumpkin.
Dad: It's not seaweed.  Seaweed comes from the sea.

Crack knocker!

Kids are eating peanuts. They're having trouble peeling the shells off.

Tom: Some of these are hard to open, and there are no peanuts inside.
Dad: It happens.
Eva: Dad, can we have the crack knocker?
Dad: Crack knocker?  Do you mean the nut cracker?
Eva: Yeah.

Funeral anthem

There has been a death in the family. I've told the kids.

Tom: Will they play the national anthem at the funeral?
Dad: No Tom, they'll sing sad funeral songs.
Eva: Like (sings), "Somebody died, somebody died".
Dad: No Eva. That's a bit too in-your-face.

Spiders on my mind

Tom: Ewwwww dad, a spider!
Dad: It's not bothering you, why are you so panicked about spiders all of a sudden?
Tom: Because I can feel them crawling all over my back.
Dad: Doubt it. I think it's in your head.
Tom: Dad! Don't say that, there aren't any spiders in my head.
Dad: Sigh, that's not what I meant.

Peeling cans

Eva wants a can of ravioli for lunch.

Eva: Dad, can I peel it?
Dad: Peel what?
Eva: The can, can I use that thing to peel the can?
Dad: You don't really call it "peeling" a can.  And no, you cannot.

It's a disaster

We're cleaning Tom's room.  It looks like a bomb has gone off.

Eva: Tom, your room is a deeyasaster.
Dad: You mean disaster? And yes it is.

What are these supposed to be?

We're eating dinner.  Eva has mushrooms left on her place.  She spears one with her fork and points it at me.

Eva: What are these SUPPOSED to be?
Dad:  They're supposed to be, and they are, mushrooms.  And you're SUPPOSED to eat them.

Grandpa shoes

Tom has new school shoes on.

Tom: Dad, look, I'm wearing old grandpa shoes like you.
Dad: Grandpa shoes huh?
Tom: And you've got the same trousers on. You're copying me.

Against the Lord

Mom: Oh, that's the kind of car I had at my wedding.
Tom: When you married Dad or when you married Zac's dad?
Eva: You married two mans? That's against the Lord.
Mom: I didn't marry them both at the same time!

Presto change-o

Eva: Mom, how do you change into a cat?

If it ain't broke

Channel 4 is covering the Paralympics

Eva: Wow, the Olympics are still on... for broken people.
Mom: Eva, it's the Paralympics.  It's for disabled people...not broken people.
Eva: Oh.

Use protection

The grown-ups are joking about condoms.

Tom: I know what a condom is.
Dad: Really?  What is it then.
Tom: It means, "the testicles of a man".
Dad: Not quite.  When you're a bit older, I'll explain it to you.

Give the gift of hobo booze

A hard off gentlemen is walking down the street carrying an almost empty bottle of strong alcoholic cider.

Dad: Kids, that's a shame that the man is so dependent on alcohol that's got a bottle of cider at 8 am.
Tom: Maybe it's not for him.  It could be a gift/
Dad: You think he's going to give a 3/4 drunk bottle of cheap booze to someone else as a present?
Tom: Yes.
Dad: Don't ever get me a present like that!