Pumpkin seaweed

We're carving the Hallowe'en pumpkin.

Eva: Dad, there sure is a lot of seaweed inside this pumpkin.
Dad: It's not seaweed.  Seaweed comes from the sea.

Crack knocker!

Kids are eating peanuts. They're having trouble peeling the shells off.

Tom: Some of these are hard to open, and there are no peanuts inside.
Dad: It happens.
Eva: Dad, can we have the crack knocker?
Dad: Crack knocker?  Do you mean the nut cracker?
Eva: Yeah.

Funeral anthem

There has been a death in the family. I've told the kids.

Tom: Will they play the national anthem at the funeral?
Dad: No Tom, they'll sing sad funeral songs.
Eva: Like (sings), "Somebody died, somebody died".
Dad: No Eva. That's a bit too in-your-face.

Spiders on my mind

Tom: Ewwwww dad, a spider!
Dad: It's not bothering you, why are you so panicked about spiders all of a sudden?
Tom: Because I can feel them crawling all over my back.
Dad: Doubt it. I think it's in your head.
Tom: Dad! Don't say that, there aren't any spiders in my head.
Dad: Sigh, that's not what I meant.

Peeling cans

Eva wants a can of ravioli for lunch.

Eva: Dad, can I peel it?
Dad: Peel what?
Eva: The can, can I use that thing to peel the can?
Dad: You don't really call it "peeling" a can.  And no, you cannot.

It's a disaster

We're cleaning Tom's room.  It looks like a bomb has gone off.

Eva: Tom, your room is a deeyasaster.
Dad: You mean disaster? And yes it is.

What are these supposed to be?

We're eating dinner.  Eva has mushrooms left on her place.  She spears one with her fork and points it at me.

Eva: What are these SUPPOSED to be?
Dad:  They're supposed to be, and they are, mushrooms.  And you're SUPPOSED to eat them.

Grandpa shoes

Tom has new school shoes on.

Tom: Dad, look, I'm wearing old grandpa shoes like you.
Dad: Grandpa shoes huh?
Tom: And you've got the same trousers on. You're copying me.

Against the Lord

Mom: Oh, that's the kind of car I had at my wedding.
Tom: When you married Dad or when you married Zac's dad?
Eva: You married two mans? That's against the Lord.
Mom: I didn't marry them both at the same time!

Presto change-o

Eva: Mom, how do you change into a cat?

If it ain't broke

Channel 4 is covering the Paralympics

Eva: Wow, the Olympics are still on... for broken people.
Mom: Eva, it's the Paralympics.  It's for disabled people...not broken people.
Eva: Oh.

Use protection

The grown-ups are joking about condoms.

Tom: I know what a condom is.
Dad: Really?  What is it then.
Tom: It means, "the testicles of a man".
Dad: Not quite.  When you're a bit older, I'll explain it to you.

Give the gift of hobo booze

A hard off gentlemen is walking down the street carrying an almost empty bottle of strong alcoholic cider.

Dad: Kids, that's a shame that the man is so dependent on alcohol that's got a bottle of cider at 8 am.
Tom: Maybe it's not for him.  It could be a gift/
Dad: You think he's going to give a 3/4 drunk bottle of cheap booze to someone else as a present?
Tom: Yes.
Dad: Don't ever get me a present like that!

Cat food

Making lunch.  We've run out of ham slices, so I've taken the canned ham out of the pantry.

Dad: Kids, there are no ham slices left. We'll have this instead?
Eva: Ewwww, it looks like cat food!
Dad: Well it's not.  Cat food is expensive, I'd never feed that to you.
Eva: It's go the same jelly on it as cat food.

Talking to God

Dad: Eva, we're going to the park. You can't wear that necklace. It's not safe.
Eva: I'm wearing it because I was talking to God upstairs.

Dad: Oh really?

Eva: Yeah. I was saying (whispers), "God, I wish you a Merry Christmas".

Meat nuggets

We're eating a meat feast pizza.

Eva: Can I have the piece with nuggets on it?
Dad: What nuggets?
Eva: (points) Those things.
Dad: You mean meatballs?

Kingdonga!

We're watching the nature channel.

Dad: Wow, look how big that lizard is!
Tom: Is that a kingdonga dragon?
Dad: What?  You mean a komodo dragon?
Tom: Yeah, a komodo dragon.
Dad: No it's neither of those.  It's a monitor lizard.

Tell you friend inter-racial marriages are now legal

Eva: Dad, is it okay for a peach-coloured person like me to marry a brown person?
Dad: Yeah, it's okay. Why?
Eva: Cuz my friend said it was illegal.
Dad: Well it's not.

Monster Squad

Kids are playing Just Dance 2.  The Monster Mash is featured with a dancer dressed up like Frankenstein's monster.

Eva: Eww, there's rats falling off him.
Tom: Of course Eva, he's been dead in a coffin.  He's Dracula right dad?
Dad: No Tom, it's Frankenstein's monster.
Tom: But Frankenstein is Dracula's son isn't he?
Dad: No, he's not.
Tom: So who's Dracula's son?
Dad: How the heck should I know?
Eva: I think he's a zombie.
Dad: (sigh) He's Frankenstein's monster.  Not a zombie at all.

The eye...of the tiger or not

Eva: Why is there a song called Eye of the Tiger?
Dad: It's a song about rising up to a challenge.  Doing something difficult like staring straight into a tiger's eyes.
Eva: So did the singer stare at a tiger?
Dad: No Eva, the song is a metaphor.
Tom: I'd stare at a shark.  That's even more dangerous.  They should have called it Eye of the Shark.
Dad: (sigh) It's a metaphor kids. A metaphor.